News Satire You Can Trust

Local band singers demand more vocal in stage monitors

Austin, Texas – Singers for all of Austin’s unsigned original bands sternly demanded an increase in the volume of the vocals in the front stage monitor speakers at every live music venue across Austin Friday night.

“I’m gonna need more vocal in the monitors up here,” David Teller, singer for the local rock band Mein Cough, told soundman Brian Waltz through the center stage microphone at Emo’s nightclub immediately following the band’s first song. “Seriously, man – I can’t hear myself at all onstage.”

Dancing with the Stars viewers uncertain which dancers are celebrities

Hollywood, Calif. – Viewers of the ABC show Dancing with the Stars admitted Monday night that even after watching six episodes of the show’s 14th season, they still have trouble discerning which of the dancers are celebrities and which are their professional dance partners. »›

Astronomer's breakthrough findings actually old Star Trek script

Washington, D.C. – Contrite editors at the journal Science are retracting a May article on spatial interphase and the expanding universe after determining the “findings” were a crudely modified script from the television program Star Trek. »›

New study reveals lack of new subjects to study

New York, N.Y. – Results from a recent study conducted by a group of researchers at Columbia University’s School of Academic Sciences demonstrates conclusively the absence of any new subjects available for scientific research. »›

Fleeing criminal correctly declares he won’t be taken alive

Miami, Fla. – Recently paroled felon Charles “Toe” Smith was pronounced dead on arrival at Miami’s Mercy Hospital early Saturday evening after Metro police forces authenticated the 28-year-old man’s declaration that he “would not be taken alive” – a fact that officers admit they had pretty much decided on about midway into their high-speed pursuit of Smith. »›

I always just assumed the Japanese were Catholic

After nearly 26 years of life, I kind of thought I pretty much had this planet figured out. Without bragging or anything, let’s just say I’ve traveled around a bit in my time, and even thumbed my way through a history-inspired book or two. But at the end of the day, there are a bong-load of countries and cultures out there, and no way to be an expert on all of them. Which is why I shouldn’t have to be embarrassed about sharing this with you:

I always just assumed the Japanese were Catholic. »›

Illiterate golfer having trouble reading greens

Newark, N.J.—Donald Southwell, a 44-year-old dock worker who never learned to read or write, shot an embarrassing round of 120 at Newark Country Club Saturday afternoon, blaming his personal difficulty in reading the putting greens as the sole reason for his horrifically inflated score. “My driving, fairway play and short irons were all solid today, but, as usual my putting was atrocious because I can’t read the greens so good,” said Southwell. “Before I putt I still step back and bend down like I’m eyeing up my putt, but it’s all just for show so other people don’t suspect that I can’t read greens. To the other golfers it looks like I’m reading the green, but mostly I’m just resting.”

Stripper giving you lapdance seeks feedback on 19th Century agrarian studies thesis

Pittsburgh, Penn.—Sources inside Peepers Adult Lounge have revealed that Amethyst, the bleached-blonde stripper giving you an erotic three-minute lapdance, is attempting to garner feedback on her 19th Century agrarian studies thesis. In addition to asking if you’d like her to grind up against your crotch a little harder, the naked 24-year-old is curious as to whether you believe the various farming innovations prevalent throughout village China in the pre-Mao era served as an eventual blueprint for the Great Leap Forward. Amethyst, who’s two minutes and 13 seconds into Def Leppard’s “Animal,” as well as two years and four months into a graduate degree at Duquesne University, wants you to know that pressing her 34D breasts into your face feels so incredibly liberating – though not as liberating as “the epoch of revolution and reform that lead the Zhili Province to thrive in the face of state power, wouldn’t you agree?”

Big-boned man also fat

Savannah, Ga.—Gordon Weber, a 44-year-old cable television technician who invariably claims to be “big-boned” whenever addressing the issue of his weight, is also just plain fat, sources reported early last week. “I always get a kick out of it when Gord says – with a totally straight face, mind you – that he’s overweight simply because he’s big-boned,” said Trevor Weaks, a longtime friend of the 320-pound Weber. “It’s like, ‘Okay, yes, you have a very large body frame, which can certainly be attributed to your being big-boned. But what does having large bones have to do with that massive beer gut you’re lugging around? Is a larger-than-average humerous responsible for that three-inch pinch of fat hanging from your upper arm? Yeah, right. And I suppose the army rejected you not because you had more than thirty percent body fat, but because your bones were too large?’”

Archeologists: newly found female mummy kind of hot, considering

Cairo, Egypt—Researchers with the National Geographic Society said Friday that a female mummy recently unearthed in Egypt’s Valley of the Kings is “kind of hot, you know, considering.” Sporting a petite frame and a tangle of long, flowing hair, the unidentified mummy is believed to come from the period of the heretic pharaoh Akhenaten in mid-14th century B.C., an epoch known to Egyptologists as The Sexy Period. “I’ve seen many attractive mummies – such as the one believed to be the beautiful Nefertiti – and I’ve seen some real dogs,” said Stuart Church, leader of the team that found the burial site in late April. “This one, there’s just something about her – it’s like she knows she’s hot.” Church earlier speculated that the mummified remains of Akhenaten’s mother, Queen Tiye, might have been hotter, but the idea was quickly shot down by others, including colleague Raymond Johnston: “Tiye was nice, but those hips are just a little too big – even after part of them were stolen by vandals.” Johnston then lauded the new mummy’s “perfect feet” and high cheekbones, and brushed aside questions as to how a 3,000-year-old corpse could be considered physically appealing. “Well, we know it’s a woman. We’re not gay, if that’s what you’re implying.”

Pre-op transsexual a bitch trapped inside an asshole’s body

Seattle, Wash.—Area sources established Monday that Chris Lalonde, a rather surly pre-op transsexual living in midtown Seattle, is a bitch trapped inside an asshole’s body. The 28-year-old professional bartender, who is consistently rude and dismissive to customers, co-workers and even friends, will undergo gender reassignment surgery next spring in hopes of correcting the issue. Many close to Lalonde have welcomed the news. “As much as I don’t care for Chris, I’m glad he’s finally becoming a woman,” said employer Jeff Dawson. “At long last he’ll be able to shed that asshole exterior and transform into the complete and utter bitch he truly is.” Social psychologist Dr. Elise Roma believes the surgery may help undo years of frustration suffered by the objectionable douchebag of a bartender. “To spend nearly three decades of your life as an asshole while knowing deep down you’re actually a bitch – I can only imagine the psychological strain.” Roma added: “No wonder he’s such a grade-A prick all the time.”