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Metallica no longer mandatory

Washington, D.C. – Hundreds of thousands of U.S. radio listeners voiced a sigh of relief Friday after FCC regulators announced that modern rock stations are no longer allowed to air daily “Mandatory Metallica” song blocks – a practice that’s been religiously employed by program directors nationwide since the mid-90s.

“Considering the abhorrent quality and declining value of Metallica’s last four releases, it is the FCC’s decision that the band’s music can no longer be considered ‘mandatory’ under even the loosest of mainstream radio standards,” said FCC spokesperson Fredrick Moore. “Therefore, stations are heretofore disallowed from the daily airing of three or more of the band’s songs in a row as part of a ‘Muh-Muh-Muh-Mandatory Metallica’ segment, to which it is often referred.”

Report: pre-natal form of Ritalin reduces hyperactivity in fetuses

Washington, D.C. – Results of a recent study conducted by researchers at Georgetown University suggest that the use of Pritalin, a version of the ADHD drug Ritalin specially formulated for second- and third-trimester fetuses, can significantly reduce symptoms of in-the-womb hyperactivity in unborn children. »›

Keg found dead in bathtub

Livingston, Ariz. – Partygoers were shocked and horrified Friday night when 20-year-old party host Trent Obeler found his quarter-barrel keg of Budweiser beer dead in the upstairs bathtub of his parents’ Livingston home at approximately 11 p.m., sources report. »›

I’m very picky about the kind of woman I let reject me

As a young guy in the big city, I have some pretty high standards when it comes to meeting members of the opposite sex. And why shouldn’t I? I take pride in my appearance. I work out regularly. I buy expensive clothing and hair care products. And you know what? I expect the ladies that enter my life to be the same way. Which is why, these days, I find myself being very picky about the kind of woman I let reject me. »›

Woman dresses, sets ringtone according to mood

Dallas, Texas—Nina Faye Young, a 28-year-old advertising salesperson at WITF radio, told reporters Tuesday morning that she begins every day by dressing herself as well as reprogramming her cell phone’s ringtone in a way that directly reflects her mood for that day. “If I’m feeling all chipper and happening I’ll wear something playful and set my phone to play Outkast’s ‘Hey Ya’ or maybe a Justin Timberlake song or something,” said a leather-clad Young, who said her cell phone was currently set to play Steppenwolf’s “Born To Be Wild” because she was feeling “free and adventurous.” Other popular choices for Young include R.E.M.’s “Everybody Hurts” for days marked by depression and Prince’s “Darling Nikki” for when she’s feeling sexy.

Life-term prisoner treated for depression

Jackson, Mich.—Jackson State Penitentiary inmate Stephen “Spike” Leger, who is serving a mandatory life sentence without the possibility of parole for the first degree killing of his wife in 1998, is being treated for clinical depression by the prison medical staff, sources reported Friday. “We currently have the patient on a powerful combination of Prozac® and Zoloft®, coupled with daily one-hour talk-therapy sessions, in hopes of curbing the relentless feelings of worthlessness and pointlessness that the patient wrestles with daily,” prison psychiatrist Dr. Renee Zielinski said of the 38-year-old inmate. “One thing Spike needs to understand is that recovering from depression takes time, and as long as he’s willing to invest that time, he will soon realize that there is a very bright future awaiting him – except, of course, for the fact that he’s going to be incarcerated for the remainder of his days.”

Peter writes bad check to Paul

Hollywood, Calif.—Enacting revenge for what he regards as years of “thievery through association,” Peter wrote a check to Paul Wednesday knowing full well that the check will fail to clear at Paul’s bank because of insufficient funds, sources report. “I can’t even begin to count how many times over the years that Peter has been robbed in order to pay Paul,” Clint Van Allen, an attorney for Peter, told reporters. “It’s no wonder that my client – and only if he’s guilty, mind you – maybe felt the need to give Paul a little taste of what it feels like to get the short end of the stick in a financial transaction. Perhaps in the future, Paul will think twice about so cheerfully accepting money that he knows damn well he is receiving only at Peter’s expense.”

Vending machine promotes all-quarter diet

Ypsilanti, Mich.—According to the Dr. Pepper machine on the corner of Court St. and Marshall Ave., a strict all-quarter diet is far superior to taking in a random selection of folding money, dimes and nickels. “I’ve forced dowe every combination of change imaginable during my six years on the street, and I can tell you without a doubt that just eating a user’s quarters is the way to go if you want to operate at top efficiency,” the machine told reporters Thursday. “Nickels and dimes might fill you up faster, and everyone knows that one dollar bills are really hard for machines to swallow sometimes; but quarters are without a doubt my favorite financial denomination to eat. I’ve eaten more quarters tons of quarters in my lifetime, and I’m still holding the same weight and figure I had when I first got started in this business – even if inflation has me eating more change than I ever have before.”

Ex’s well-wishing taken seriously

Owensboro, Ky.—Recently divorced pool salesman Gregory Taft unexpectedly took to heart the empty well-wishing comments made by his ex-wife Gina Norman Friday, sources close to the former couple reported Saturday. “Greg told me he was feeling all warm last night because Gina told him that she hopes he’ll be able to find happiness with another woman – not that anyone besides Greg believes for a second that she actually meant it,” said friend Dana Colbert. “She’s a spiteful one, that Gina – I’m sure she’s just trying to fuck with his head. More likely she’ll do everything she can to ruin any relationship he ever tries to have ever again. Unfortunately, Greg’s head is a little too clouded right now to realize that. In fact, he actually saw it as a sign that she might come back to him, if you can believe that.” Colbert said that although she hasn’t the heart to inform Taft of her opinion, she did remind the 44-year-old that Norman recently promised not to involve the Friend of the Court concerning their child custody arrangement only two days before legally seeking full custody.