Road trip with female friend less sexual than envisioned

Seikston, Mo. – After stopping for a bathroom break, college sophomore Danny Kinsler announced Monday that his road trip with a female acquaintance is continuing to progress entirely without sexual activity, much to his disbelief and dismay.

Kinsler, who selflessly offered to drive fellow student Natalie Hoffman back to her home for their school’s summer break on his way to Florida, is struggling to comprehend how Hoffman has not even suggested the smallest amount of fooling around in the back seat of his Ford Mustang. »›

Area man accused of staging own life

Mt. Union, Penn. – According to charges filed Tuesday by friends and family members, a Pennsylvania auto mechanic is accused of attempting to fake his own life, spending more than 36 years pretending to be capable of productivity and holding social relationships in an effort to make his existence look genuine. »›

Study: placebo addiction growing among control subjects

New York, N.Y. – In a study released this week by the Council for Placebo Safety (CPS), the non-profit group claims to have found that placebo addiction is growing at an alarming rate among scientific experiments’ control subjects. »›

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways on one hand

By Robert Adrian Kendall III

My dearest Annabelle, in response to the increasing frequency with which you attempt to orally discredit the authenticity of my feelings for you, I ask that you briefly indulge me as I use this public forum to qualify my heartfelt professions of love, so that you may see and understand the depth of my affection toward you. »›

Internet privacy concerns rising, finds secret online spyware study

Computer hacker finds major vulnerabilities in own personality

Giant ceremonial scissors industry seeks federal bailout in wake of economic decline

Escaped llama wreaks boredom through surrounding communities

Wilmington, Del.—A llama that was on the lam for almost a week from the Brandywine Zoo was finally captured Tuesday evening about four miles from the Wilmington facility. After inflicting general boredom on the communities surrounding the zoo, handlers captured the animal and returned it to the zoo without incident. “This is always a fear when you risk housing incredibly uninteresting animals in your zoo,” said zookeeper in charge of docile mammals, Gary Holthaus. “It’s unfortunate when one escapes and brings a general listlessness to area residents.” Zoo personnel had been searching for only a few hours when they captured the runaway llama, as visitors and staff were slow to notice it had gone missing. The search party was careful to take all measures to ensure the llama could be brought in without the use of tranquilizers, as they feared the concentrated sedatives would only make the animal less fascinating and more difficult to pass off as a credible exhibit. However, the llama was captured without incident, and zoo officials, worried the llama’s wearisome nature would induce suicide attempts by area residents, were thankful no serious harm resulted from the llama’s mundane stroll through Wilmington neighborhoods.

Douchebag friend of yours will only drink imported beer

Chicago, Ill.—Your total douche of a friend, Steven, just made it clear that he only drinks imported, expensive beer, — reminding you why you never invite him to any bars you frequent. Steven, not Steve, just ordered 17 beers that the bar does not stock before finally settling for a Stella Artois, which he observed is a Belgian beer, but much too mainstream for his homosexual palette. Making you hate this douchebag of a friend even more is the way he just casually reminded the bartender that a beer’s head should comprise at least three-quarters of an inch but no more than one inch atop a traditional pint glass. He then pointed out that she was not pouring his prissy fucking beer into a traditional pint glass, ruining all chances your table had of a free round. Prior to ordering his drink, Nancy-boy Steven led an unwanted lecture on the proper fermenting technique of beer and why the Pabst Blue Ribbon pitchers you and your other friends are enjoying contain complete and utter swill. As Steven heads to the bathroom, where he will likely wash his hands thoroughly and look approvingly at his asshole face in the mirror, you and your real friends will expectedly take turns spitting into his absurd European beer.

GM cancels employee-discount pricing due to lack of employees

Detroit, Mich.—General Motors this week announced an end to its Employee Pricing program because of overwhelmingly decreased participation from its employees. “We find the program no longer makes sense,” said Frederick Henderson, President and CEO of GM. “Our few remaining employees seem to lack the financial confidence to make a major purchase.” Starting last year, GM began scaling back its employee perks, like employee pricing, guaranteed overtime, and employment. Now, the automaker is phasing out the once-popular Employee Pricing program for good. One day after GM announced its plans to do away with employee discounts on GM autos, reporters stationed at the Wyoming, Mich., GM facility reported that large numbers of GM workers had refused to come into work in protest of the discontinued benefit. Those initial reports turned out to be incorrect, however, as the decrease in arriving workers was due to a simple massive layoff the previous day. Unknown is whether or not the troubled company will continue offering its Chrysler Employee Pricing Plus incentive to its tens of customers.

Likes of which seen before

Santa Barbara, Calif.—Thousands of southern California residents are nonchalantly returning to their homes this week after authorities successfully contained a massive wildfire, the likes of which has been seen many times before, tore through the state, scorching thousands of acres and destroying dozens of homes, as usual, late last month. “The magnitude of this wildfire was just like anything we have seen before in this area,” said California State Fire Marshall Mark Moran, whose experience in fighting wildfires proved absolutely commonplace among the tens of area firefighters who worked their entire eight-hour shifts battling the completely ordinary blaze. “You always know when something like this will happen. Also, no two wildfires ever behave anything unlike the other. Still, we are relieved to have contained this wildfire, the likes of which we’ll probably see again.”