27-year-old man found wed in suburbs

Schaumburg, Ill. – David Blue’s life was cut short Sunday when friends discovered the 27-year-old investment representative wed in his suburban Chicago home.

After friends made several attempts to revive him with televised sports and invitations to attend area bars, Blue was pronounced wed at the scene when friends checked his ring finger. A cause of marriage was not immediately known. »›

News anchor can hardly get through wacky double homicide story without laughing

Nashville, Tenn. – As Holly Bates, Channel 8 news anchor, reported a gruesome but zany double homicide story to thousands of viewers in and around Nashville Wednesday evening, the 32-year-old journalist did all she could to keep from bursting with laughter over the madcap and outlandish circumstances that left two dead on the city’s west side. »›

Suspect named in shooting of The Love Guru

Toronto, Canada – After sorting through dozens of unsuccessful leads, finally a suspect has been identified in the shooting of a juvenile motion picture. Michael John Myers, 45, is being sought in connection with the shooting of The Love Guru, the shooting of which authorities claim took place publicly in Toronto near the beginning of 2008. »›

Being a rich athlete can never lessen my passion for misusing firearms

By Jamaal Tinsley, Indiana Pacers point guard

All the money in the world is great. The fame that comes with years spent as an NBA star is priceless. But no amount of fame or money will ever mean more to me than my love of situations resulting in unlawful use of firearms. »›

Lubbock, TX replaced by Wal-Mart Supercenter

Tom Brady remains perfect with last-minute pass through hair

Don King implicated in human fighting operation

Clip art still around

Amherst, Mass. – Clip art still exists in many forms on computer hard drives and websites, a study released Monday by the University of Massachusetts found. Despite the common myth that the once-rampant visual aid has mostly died out, the new 42-week study proves clip art still exists in a variety of strains, which could become full-blown epidemics at any time. UMass researchers found that not only does clip art still exist in a dormant state among tens of millions of computers, but it actually has a high rate of affliction among Power Point presentations, where, according to the study, the malignant drawings affect seven out of 10 computer-aided lectures. “I hope this study opens some eyes,” said graduate researcher Terrell Simmons, who proposed the study initially expecting to find a low frequency of clip art occurrence in the United States. “This won’t get better without everyone taking steps at prevention and teaching children in schools how to use graphics carefully and safely.” The research team issued a list of recommended best practices to protect against clip art and advised everyone to use caution in selecting “From file…” while using Microsoft Word’s “Insert/Picture” option.

Essence captured

New York, N.Y. – Officials at Calvin Klein announced Friday the successful completion of its three-year effort to capture the essence of spring rain – in a new fragrance called Precipitation. “In this fragrance we’ve managed to capture the very essence of spring rain,” said world-renown fragrance designer Paco Rabanne, who worked with authorities in identifying and capturing the essence. “The capturing of this essence will make the world a more pleasant place.” Calvin Klein had previously enlisted Rabanne to spearhead successful efforts to capture the essence of passion, love and longing.

Accountant gives birth to healthy deduction

Superior, Wis. – Certified Public Accountant Marla Jennings, 30, gave birth to a healthy male deduction late Friday night, her second with husband and fellow CPA Paul Jennings. “We’re overjoyed,” said Paul Jennings, as the 31-year-old began to tear up, “It’s just such a blessing to be given another write-off during such hard economic times.” The male deduction weighed nine pounds four ounces and is expected to save the family at least $125,000 on the couple’s joint tax filings over the next 18 years. The Jennings said they decided to have a second deduction last spring after simultaneous job promotions pushed the family into a higher tax bracket.

Dude on some serious drugs

Palo Alto, Calif. – The dude that’s always riding the kiddie horse machine outside the Sears store at the mall on Saturdays has got to be on some serious drugs, mall employees speculated this week after witnessing the Grateful Dead t-shirt-clad 20-something ride the contraption for over 30 minutes. “That dude must have some seriously good shit,” said Steve Darrens to a fellow Baskin Robbins employee as the two observed the dude dismount the child-oriented apparatus in a fit of laughter. “I tell ya, whatever that dude is on, I’ve got to get me some of it.”

Vegas lights blamed for global warming

Las Vegas, Nev. – Results of a 10-year study released Friday by the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) singles out the excessive lighting displays used by Las Vegas hotels and casinos as being the sole cause of the Earth’s global warming effect. “It’s clear that the ultra-excessive heat generated by the six billion-plus lights that are used on a daily basis by Las Vegas casinos is great enough to cause the entire planet to rise in temperature,” said EPA spokesperson Gale Ladd. “With every new hotel that goes up in Vegas, the Earth’s median temperature is getting pushed higher and higher.” The study’s results are proving to be the most widely disputed since a 1996 EPA report suggesting that the hole in the Ozone was caused exclusively by the excessive use of hairspray by the ’80s glam rock band Ratt.

Radio talk show caller obviously gay

Washington, D.C. – Judging by his effeminate voice, soft tone and deliberate choice of words, the caller questioning President Bush’s position on gay marriage on National Public Radio’s The Diane Rehm Show is clearly a homosexual, listeners reported Friday. “Whoa, is that guy a total flamer or what?” listener Daniel Joyce said to his wife after hearing the caller begin to voice his comments. “Just listen to the way he talks – it’s so obvious.” According to Joyce, the caller’s sexual orientation was further confirmed when host Rehm mentioned that the homosexual was calling from San Francisco.

Homeless man’s problems apparently rectifiable with 25 cents

Denver, Colo. – While seemingly in need of much more to remedy his current situation, an area homeless man announced to passersby Monday that he “only needed twenty-five cents.” Several who encountered the vagrant recalled assessing his level of need to require a higher monetary figure. “I took one look at the guy and immediately thought he would need a lot of money, education, and maybe personal counseling to overcome his hardships,” said area resident Charles Houska. “I was as shocked as anyone when I found out the only thing between his homelessness and being a productive member of society was a quarter.” Houska, who gave the unidentified man 58 cents, hopes the street dweller’s life has turned around as of one day later.