SHALLOW THOUGHT
Instead of inventing the dehumidifier, they should have invented the demystifier. That way they could have instantly demystified the reason why it was so humid in the first place.
Eighth-Grade Scientist Successfully Isolates Self From Classmates :
Cape Girardeau, Mo. – Eighth-grade science fair participant Lucas Kinney exhibited to judges Tuesday evening a well-formed experiment that successfully isolated his personality variable from his surrounding environment of peers. Kinney launched an experiment in January aimed at defining glycosyl Continue reading
Deranged Cable Technician To Murder Sometime Between 10 a.m. and 2 p.m. :
St. Louis, Mo. – Mentally disturbed and dangerously violent Charter Communications cable technician Joe Lynch is expected to arrive at his scheduled repair job and murder someone between the hours of 10 a.m. and 2 p.m. today. Lynch realized his Continue reading
Catchphrase-Deprived Nation Demands New Budweiser Commercial :
New York, N.Y. – The greater United States populace, which has been dispossessed of a consistent supply of marketing-driven sayings over the past several years, is now demanding action from Madison Avenue executives. Thousands of Americans, many of whom still Continue reading
U.S. Soldiers Suffer From Current-Traumatic Stress Disorder After Not Returning Home From Afghanistan :
Baghdad, Iraq – For many of America’s soldiers serving in Afghanistan and Iraq, the stresses of battle remain in their consciousnesses after not returning to their homes in the United States – a situation which often leads to struggles with Continue reading
Internet Privacy Concerns Rising, Finds Secret Online Spyware Study :
New York, N.Y. – As the theft of credit card data and other personal information rose to record levels in 2012, so did privacy concerns over online shopping, a new secret online spyware study has found. According to secret data-gathering Continue reading
Johnson & Johnson Test Markets New Weight Loss Patch :
Side-effects Include Improved Marital Relations New Brunswick, N.J. – At Johnson & Johnson Corporation’s annual shareholders meeting Monday night, company officials expressed excitement regarding its ongoing test-marketing of GorgeDerm, a revolutionary new weight-loss patch which developers claim can help patients Continue reading
Area Man A Mentor To Some Poor Bastard :
Cleveland, Ohio – Unemployed area resident Joel Jarvis, 58, is a volunteer mentor to some poor bastard named Keith Senchuck, a local 14-year-old whose father abandoned him before he was born, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Mister Jarvis has been involved with Continue reading
Gangsta Trend Significantly Reduces Inner City Gunshot Fatalities :
Los Angeles, Calif. – According to an article published in the October issue of Handguns magazine, a recent decline in fatalities resulting from inner city handgun shootings can be credited to the thriving popularity of a flashy new gangsta-style shooting Continue reading
Man Strains Back Applying Back Pain Cream :
Tempe, Ariz. – Elderly back pain sufferer Walter Matthews strained a muscle in his upper left back Friday when the 64-year-old retired plumber attempted to apply Ben Gay to his lower back, a painful area for which he has sought relief Continue reading
Planetary Leaders Agree Global Domination Not What It Used To Be
Jalagana 5 – Amortis the Hated, feared leader of the planet Jalagana 5, agreed with members of the Interplanetary Leaders Conglomeration Tuesday when he voiced the opinion that being the sole dominating force of a planet’s population is not as Continue reading
Vet Drinks More Before 9 a.m. Than Most People Drink All Day
Allentown, Penn. – Retired U.S. Army Sergeant Henry “Hank” O’Boyle regularly consumes more alcohol before 9 a.m. than the average person drinks in an entire day, sources reported Monday. “Usually, he’s half in the bag before I even leave for Continue reading
