News Satire You Can Trust

Couple's resolve to communicate more openly can lead to no good

Phoenix, Ariz. – Sources close to Derek Fredricks and Leana Harrison reported this week that the young couple’s inspired post-fight resolution to communicate in a more frequent, candid and straightforward manner can lead to no good.

Opponents of the July 26 decree said that although they applaud the lovers’ significant effort to facilitate an open relationship — one in which borderline-risky information or conversation topics are willingly shared without fear of heated contest — they harbor tremendous doubt that the uncensored airing of previously suppressed thoughts will improve the couple’s already turbulent relationship. »›

Telemarketer manages to punch in without first contemplating suicide

Goshen, Ind. – Twenty-four-year-old telemarketer Jeffrey Langer managed to wake up, drive to work and punch in without first contemplating suicide Monday, marking the first time the college graduate has accomplished the feat during his two years of employ at Teletronic Marketing Futures (TMF). »›

Unt nu we a sprinkle de fleur

Eer skir mor por skir dir skikadoo, mmnork der snu nyork dir mmmn, Bork Bork Bork! ….Dur un ski doo inda bir. Mm nu we tayka inda beeg. Un skur dee horda reem. Ir skirbi hor dir skurba hibir nu. Ir skubor mir inda cookin caken. Skidoo mor! Birdirski. Oh, bi dir ski da morg. Skibork du skirmork dee skikadoo. Skirborsk skimork ski bir skibir. A spirgun a mirdur, spirgir under cakeski bu, nubir da. Birski borsk “Iya mono bir.” Ir skirbir skirdi mmnork. Goskir di bir! »›

Area man not so worried about spilling oil in driveway anymore

Family/friends/authorities spend countless hours gushing over photos of missing cat

Young film critic puzzled why post-Tarantino movie doesn’t show ending first

Computer fucked

Mesa, Ariz.—After experiencing months of technical difficulty with his Hewlett Packard Pavilion 969C desktop computer, local man Matt Donnelly confirmed Friday that his computer is fucked. “My computer is so fucked,” Donnelly remarked to fellow PC gaming enthusiast James Hoyt during a telephone conversation. “Every time I go to load Quake III, the screen resolution changes to 1024 and the sound just starts going nuts. It’s not the video card, I checked.” Puzzled, Hoyt reiterated Donnelly’s sentiments: “That’s weird; I think your computer’s just fucked.”

Link found between car stereo volume and male virility

Los Angeles, Calif.—The nation’s leading car audio manufacturers released an industry-funded study Tuesday, confirming what many young males between the ages of 18 and 24 had already suspected – a significant correlation between the decibel output of car stereo systems and levels of testosterone found among the vehicles’ operators. Dr. Seymour H. Blinn, associate professor of social psychology at Minnesota State University, affirms the industry findings and appeals for more understanding from the public. “Those who complain about loud car stereos need to become more tolerant of this unique expression of male individuality and sexual prowess. Think of the ‘thump, thump, thump” of ridiculously gigantic car audio sub-woofers as a mating call – a prominent component of the twenty-first century fertility rite.” Considering the decline of birth rates, Dr. Blinn stressed that “the very future of the human race” could hinge on the near-deafening volume of car stereos.

Area man making sure everyone knows he has a birthday coming up

Whitehall, Mich.—Sources close to area auto mechanic Chad DeYoung confirm reports that the soon-to-be 26-year-old is making sure everyone within earshot is informed that his birthday will take place on August 23. “It’s like every time he opens his mouth he’s talking about his birthday, like it’s some big event we don’t want to miss,” said coworker Jake Munoz. “It’s like we’ll be talking about golf or something, and he’ll go way out of his way to bring up his birthday, like, ‘Yeah, well, I’ve got a birthday coming up so maybe I should think about buying myself new clubs.’ It’s like, ‘Dude, we get it, you’re going to be another year older this month. Enough already.’”

Nation’s faint acquaintances demand to know how it’s going

Washington, D.C.—Seeking to break the long awkward silence instilled by coincidental encounters with infrequently seen associates, a coalition of the nation’s faint acquaintances gathered at the country’s capital Friday, demanding to know how it’s going. “We have not seen you in a while,” the acquaintances’ spokesman Pete Tolls said at a press conference. “How’s it going?” The nation shrugged before responding, “Good. Real good,” while wracking its collective brain to remember recent occurrences worth noting, such as the purchase of a new possession, career changes, procreative endeavors or deaths in the family.

Crispin Glover returns to home planet

Hollywood, Calif.—After spending more than 40 years disguised as an eccentric Hollywood icon while gathering information about the human species, actor Crispin Glover began a 300-light-year voyage back to his home planet of Xordia shortly after filming was completed on Hot Tub Time Machine. Glover expressed his gratitude for Earth’s hospitality in a short press release: “I appreciate that although my behavior was considered peculiar and unconventional by human standards, the people of earth not only allowed me to study their cultural behavior, breeding methods, and scientific progress, but adored my performances in such films as Back to the Future and Alice In Wonderland.”