New F-29 Crowdsmasher making huge impacts at airshows

Andrews Air Force Base, Md. – Despite having only recently been cleared to participate in both military combat and public airshows, the new Lockheed Martin F-29 Crowdsmasher fighter jet has already made huge impacts with airshow audiences, having twice during June demonstrations abandoned its scripted flight plan and produced spectacular ground collisions, fully engaging large numbers of surprised spectators in the process.

“When the Crowdsmasher goes up for its demonstration, it literally just seems to drive each and every [airshow] audience member right to the very edge of their seat,” said Fredrick... »›

Tour manager mostly in charge of getting band drugs

Cleveland, Ohio – Wes Bradley, tour manager for the heavy metal band Faces of Nothing, spends most of his time on the road trying to score drugs for each member of the band, sources said Sunday. »›

Drunk-driving attorney a total blast to party with

Akron, Ohio – Clients of local defense attorney Jarrod R. Kendall told reporters Saturday that in addition to being one of Akron’s busiest and most well-known DUI defense lawyers, the 44-year-old bachelor is also a total blast to hang out and party with outside the courtroom. »›

I'm totally dominating my online fantasy cricket league

By Edward Murray

Well, it's official: when it comes to the world of online fantasy cricket, I'm Mr. King Shit. Yes, even against the best of the online fantasy cricket league world, I've been consistently rated number one for the entire 2006 season at fantasycricket.com, where, as everyone well knows, only the world's most devout wicketheads dare come to play. »›

Ultimate fighters' egos too big to fit in octagon

Dissenter obviously dissenting just to get his name in meeting minutes

Special Olympics to implement drug testing

Retail store manager refuses to accept apology, Discover card

Toronto, Canada – Appeasing both his sense of pride and longstanding store policy, Hugh Fluin, manager of the downtown Toronto sportswear store Moving Target, refused to accept the apology of customer Thomas Mullins Monday morning while also refusing to accept Mullins’ Discover card as legal tender for the purchase of store merchandise. “First of all, the guy, obviously an American, called me a ‘Kanook,’ because of my accent,” Fluin said following the incident. “Then after he takes a half-hearted stab at a ‘sorry,’ this asshole tries to use his Discover card to buy a two hundred dollar running jacket. Naturally, I had security kick him out. What a jerk. Nobody takes Discover. Nobody with any class, at least.”

Area chick not as hot once you get up close

Newark, N.J. – Area cheerleader Rachael McGregor, though appearing to be quite striking from afar, is “not as hot once you get up close” and “ought to be sued for false advertising,” according to independent sources. “From far away [McGregor] looked totally bangin’” offered high school senior Mark Whitfield, who grossly misjudged the aesthetic worth of the facially unfortunate 17-year-old late Friday morning. “You get up close and it’s like, ‘Whoa, somebody got fed rock candy with a slingshot,” Whitfield added. Authorities are advising all male Newark teens to use extreme caution when gawking in inadequately lit areas for the remainder of the summer.

Boastful husband claims he doesn’t need to be drunk to stumble around swearing all night

Holland, Mich. – During a lengthy and heated argument with his wife Monday night, intoxicated county highway worker Dwayne Moss arrogantly maintained that the overweight 52-year-old does not need to drink alcohol in order to feel compelled to stumble clumsily through the rooms of his Holland home all night swearing like an Irish truck driver, sources confirmed. “The drinking has nothing to do with how I’m acting, you just assume it does because I happen to be drinking right now,” a defiant Moss told his wife Elaine, attempting to instead blame his behavior on stress brought on by his job and family responsibilities. Moss then slammed what appeared to be a randomly chosen door before haphazardly negotiating the staircase, yelling obscenities at his son and daughter for something that happened three days ago and then abandoning consciousness on his wife’s side of the bed still fully clothed.

Office worker goes six minutes without checking e-mail

Portland, Ore. – Part-time receptionist Cora Lynn Norwitz notched a personal milestone early Tuesday afternoon when the 25-year-old spanned six uninterrupted minutes without checking her e-mail, sources confirmed. “She’s got like eight different [e-mail] accounts,” remarked co-worker Jody Lincoln, referring to Norwitz’s usage of AOL, Yahoo, Hotmail and Google providers. “I swear she spends her entire day just cycling through her accounts.” Previous to her compulsion with the electronic communication tool, Norwitz had consumed large quantities of coffee, doughnuts and cigarettes to aid in the passing of her mundane workday.

Hell half full

Hell – Hell officials announced Sunday that occupancy of the popular afterlife residence has reached 50 percent. “Don’t worry, there’s still plenty of room,” reassured a Hell spokesdemon at a press conference held late Sunday morning. “We’re confident we’ll have enough space to house the eternal souls of mortal humans for at least two more millenniums, possibly three.” Hell officials cite the unrealistic applicant requirements of Heaven, an increased efficiency in Purgatory’s processing department, and the exponentially compounded unwrapping of humanity’s moral fiber as reasons for Hell’s recent rise in tenancy.

Encore forced upon audience

Jacksonville, N.C. – Minutes after finally completing their last set of cover songs at Bogart’s nightclub early Saturday morning, house band First Snowfall forced an encore song upon an indifferent crowd of approximately 40, sources said. “You guys aren’t ready to go home yet, are ya?” posed singer Sony Rede, failing to elicit a decisive reaction from the audience. “We’re gonna give y’all one more tonight! This one’s a First Snowfall original.” Bogart’s patrons, determined to finish their overpriced drinks, endured the five-minute blues-based number before offering a smattering of applause and continuing their attempts to hustle members of the opposite sex.