New York, N.Y. – Inspired by the escalating severity of her insider trading allegations, celebrated lifestyle guru Martha Stewart unveiled Thursday a new line of prison cell furnishings designed to compliment the living arrangements of incarcerated yet discerning homemakers.
“The Martha Stewart Big House Living line will bring to the American penal system that warm touch of home and essence of finer living for which Living’s products are renown,” said Stewart during a speech that opened the media event. “In overseeing the design of these products, I kept in mind what kinds of furnishings I would want to use if I were incarcerated. The results are simply splendid.”
Premiering the line at New York’s Lincoln Correctional Facility – a chic minimum-security prison in which Stewart has expressed considerable interest as of late – the opening featured an entire block of cells outfitted entirely using Big House Living décor and furnishings.
“This lavish prison shank holder, for instance, is available in an array of colors, each specially chosen to compliment even the dreariest of gray concrete cell walls,” said Stweart, modeling the products from inside one of the prison wing’s eight-by-eight-foot confinements. Carefully placing four immaculately hand-painted shanks in the holder, Stewart, brandishing her trademark smile, added: “Look at that. It’s like a little ray of sunshine, isn’t it?”
Stewart maintained a jovial spirit throughout the event despite looming indictments for her timely Dec. 27 sale of 4,000 shares of ImClone stock a day before the FDA denied approval of that company’s Ebritux cancer drug.
“I can see how these would come in handy,” joked an upbeat Stewart, snatching a crudely sharpened toothbrush from the holder and making several playful stabbing motions, much to media photographers’ delight. “With these products, you’ll be able to hold your own out in the yard or shower area, and still maintain the Living style.”
Also included in Stewart’s signature line of housewares are such items as handmade bloodstain-resistant floor coverings and designer drapery and bunk sets equipped with hidden contraband pockets.
“And, of course, those serving considerable amounts of time will also want to pick up a copy of my new prison-oriented arts and crafts book, Turning The Big House Into A Big Home,” said Stewart. “Also, the October issue of Living magazine features a four-page spread outlining many of my secrets to prison cell decorating.”
Near the close of the event, media representatives screened several television commercials introducing the new line – part of a $10 million national multimedia advertising campaign – which feature Stewart personally decorating her own minimum-security prison cell with Big House Living furnishings.
“My fans appreciate that, with the Living lines, they can purchase and use the very same lifestyle accessories that I myself use,” said Stewart. “And The Big House Living line is no exception. The way things are looking right now, I’ll be furnishing my [new] home exclusively with these new products.”
Although the new line currently features only housewares, Stewart said the line could easily expand to include other products as she further examines the lifestyle needs of modern incarcerated women.
“I already envision a line of bright orange casual wear, and maybe bed and bath products like medicated tissue and scented sodomy lubricants,” said Stewart. “If things work out the way I expect, I’ll be getting to know even more about the prison lifestyle and how I can bring to it the Living touch.–Cliff Frantz