North Atlantic Ocean – In an attempt to send a clear and focused message to the American voters Thursday, impassioned 68-year-old Congressman Alan Taylor [R-VA] called for nationwide support in his efforts to be rescued from the small, uncharted island on which the Republican lawmaker was marooned five days ago.
“PLEASE HELP – STRANDED ON DESERTED ISLAND SOMEWHERE OFF EAST COAST OF U.S.,” wrote an exhausted but determined Taylor, carefully penning the unusually brief proposal on a piece of tree bark pulled from an adult Birch. “IMMEDIATE AID NEEDED. PLEASE SEND HELP!”
Exhibiting some of the early signs of dementia, Taylor read the document aloud to imagined members of an international press corps Thursday morning before officially launching his proposal – corking the petition into a haggard wine bottle and heaving it into the tiding waters on the west side of the island.
The thrice-elected Congressman became stranded on the tiny landmass Sunday following the mysterious crash of a chartered overseas airplane en route to Europe in which none of the 12 passengers or crew members were thought to have survived.
Political analyst Peter Randolph said that although Taylor may succeed in sending a pointed message to the American people regarding the need for immediate aid in this remote area of the world, the proposal in its current form stands little chance of facilitating the types of changes Taylor is seeking.
“Even in the unlikely event that this package does manage to land in the hands of a person capable of pushing forward such an initiative, the vague language comprising Taylor’s proposal make it practically impossible for anyone to take immediate action with the expectation of success,” Randolph argued. “This unfortunate wording not only leaves Taylor’s position woefully unclear, it also fails to map out a course of action for getting aid to those who have been displaced. Granted, no one expected Taylor to have listed his exact coordinates, but something a little more precise than ‘somewhere off East coast of U.S.’ would probably come in handy when the Navy Admiral starts asking where to deploy the search fleet.”
Randolph noted that analysts have long criticized Congressman Taylor’s unconventional and overdramatic proposals as being nothing more than a means through which to reiterate his longstanding message to the public: that he is in a life-threatening position and will surely die if the situation continues to be ignored.
“I remember years back when the Congressman felt compelled to send a message to each and every American taxpayer that he had fallen down a well,” Randolph said, recalling the much-publicized 1998 event. “If I remember correctly, he drew up a proposal for emergency relief on the back of a candy bar wrapper, folded it into a paper airplane and managed to fly it up to the surface, where somebody picked it up it and lobbied to get it pushed through.”
Randolph argued that Taylor’s Please Get Me Out Of This Well Act of 1998 was similar to his current proposal in that it also failed to provide step-by-step instructions about how to successfully liberate the Congressman from his desolate position.
“There wasn’t word one on that document that explained how they were supposed to get him out of there,” said Randolph. “He didn’t even say how deep the well was. Fortunately, while legislators were wasting time arguing the logistics and costs of various rescue operations, Representative John Ellis [R-NY] thought to shout down the well at Taylor and discovered that he was barely more than an arm’s length from the surface. Long story short, Congress allocated a fifty-foot ladder and a flashlight for the effort and Taylor was back with us before lunchtime. The point being that if Taylor had included more information or rescue suggestions in his initial proposal, it would have saved the taxpayers a lot of money.”
Experts speculate that Congressman Taylor will sit motionless next to one of the deserted island’s seven trees and scan the horizon for signs of a rescue effort until as late as noon Saturday, by which time the sight of his proposal washing up on the North shore of the island will convince the Congressman to begin exploring suicide options.–Cliff Frantz