Manhattan, N.Y. -- In a televised ceremony sponsored by the Relationship Support Service Group of Kent County, N.Y., area girlfriend Jeanie Bedford received a national commendation today for her successful June 15 efforts...
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Lafayette, Ga. -- Attempting to pacify his wife Jena's incessant desire for verbal interaction, area husband Chris Woodman pretended to give a shit Tuesday as his wife of six years initiated and dominated a series of prolonged dialogues regarding an array of unrelated, unimportant subjects.
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Washington, D.C. -- California Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger and President George W. Bush held a joint press conference in Washington Monday to announce the implementation of what they are calling the 'War on Grammar' - a staunch policy aimed at stamping out all grammatical rules...
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Crawford, Texas -- Making good on his promise to use August's untimely 25-day retreat as a "working vacation," President Bush began masterminding tactical maneuvers for offensive strikes on Iraq in the backyard sandbox of his Texas ranch Sunday afternoon.
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Atlanta, Ga. -- Responding to months of increasingly prevalent viewer criticism, the cable television news network CNN made a bold stride toward refining its harsh, tactless approach to news reporting Tuesday by hiring a producer who possesses taste, common sense and a soul, network officials report.
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Washington, D.C. -- FBI officials urged the nation's pop music fans Thursday "to be on the highest alert" for a possible collaboration between No Doubt singer Gwen Stefani and Bush frontman Gavin Rossdale.
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Memphis, Tenn. -- After weeks of failed negotiations with FedEx Corporation, officials at Ex-Lax manufacturer Novartis Corporation announced Friday that the company is suing FedEx to cease and desist usage of the promotional slogan "Keep Your Shit Moving," an internationally marketed catchphrase...
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Oslo, Norway -- Norwegian Nobel Committee officials announced Monday that the 2003 Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded to Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein for his efforts in not proliferating and stockpiling weapons of mass destruction.
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Las Vegas, Nev. -- Community members are breathing a sigh of relief today following local street vagrant Herman Muntz' acquisition of a bottle of Five O'Clock Vodka - an incident that...
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New York, N.Y. -- Inspired by the escalating severity of her insider trading allegations, celebrated lifestyle guru Martha Stewart unveiled Thursday a new line of prison cell furnishings designed...
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Washington, D.C. -- Hundreds of thousands of U.S. radio listeners voiced a sigh of relief Friday after FCC regulators announced that modern rock stations are no longer allowed to air daily "Mandatory Metallica" song blocks...
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Ada, Mich. --Many Cole Street residents are lauding the city's recent decision to install a speed bump on the street's 200 block - a move that has significantly lowered traffic speed for a 100-foot stretch of the four-mile suburban drive, sources report.
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St. Paul, Minn. -- Officials at Westbrook Gas & Heat say the natural gas monopoly's no-nonsense customer service policy will revolutionize home heating monopolization as it is currently known.
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Lakewood, Fla. -- Lakewood Elementary School's spring recital resonated with dismal apocalyptic overtones, chronicling civilization's systematic destruction of the planet with a series of Earth Day-themed musical selections, sources report.
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Washington, D.C. -- Following a three-year FBI investigation that included around-the-clock surveillance and undercover operative infiltration, bureau officials announced Monday the existence of a dissident fire-worshipping cult that has operated secretly out of a...
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Washington, D.C. -- The U.S. Supreme Court unanimously ruled Monday that people using the aloe vera plant for medicinal purposes are not exempt from federal laws prohibiting use of the naturally occurring herb, which medical experts say can ease the suffering of burn victims.
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Washington, D.C. -- Economic analysts were abuzz Monday following the release of February's Labor Department figures, which showed the unemployment rate for hot young women in the U.S. holding steady at zero percent for the 302nd month in a row.
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