San Diego, Calif. -- San Diego Zoo employee Joyce Mender is more successful at exchanging ideas and feelings with Zander, the zoo's sign language-proficient chimpanzee, than with Maurice, her husband of 28 years.
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Denver, Col. -- Hockey fans in the mile-high city are calling for the resignation of Colorado Avalanche Head Coach Bob Hartley and General Manager Pierre Lacroia following reports that several team officials "may have known" about the impending poor performance of goalie...
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Washington, D.C. -- Still struggling to reverse the economic recession that has plagued the United States since President Bush's January inauguration, the Bush administration this week began scrambling for methods capable of halting what top science advisors are proclaiming as...
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Jackson, Iowa -- Democratic Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich collapsed near the end of a question and answer session at Iowa University Thursday after the Ohio Congressman attempted to impart a definitive stance supporting every side of every current political issue.
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Washington, D.C. -- The Food and Drug Administration has ordered U.S. winemaker Julio Badbaraz to add warning labels to his company's "Wild Dingo" wine bottles, contending that consumption of the reasonably priced grape product is a direct cause of homelessness.
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Miami, Fla. -- Recently paroled felon Charles "Toe" Smith was pronounced dead on arrival at Miami's Mercy Hospital early Saturday evening after Metro police forces authenticated the 28-year-old man's declaration that he "would not be taken alive" - a fact that officers admit they had pretty much decided on about midway into their high-speed pursuit of Smith.
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Manhattan, N.Y. -- Analysts for the Internet startup company freehomework.com reported Monday that the web site has tested poorly with a six-member focus group comprised of users ranging in age from six to 17.
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New York, N.Y. -- Financially devastated by nonexistent subscription and newsstand sales, Illiteracy Today Magazine officially filed for bankruptcy this week, blaming logistical problems as the main cause of the publication's demise.
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Boise, Idaho -- Supervisors and coworkers of Omni Corp. employee Betty Tyler say they are aware of Tyler's lazy eye, but that it is hardly noticeable when weighed against her slothful work performance.
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New York, N.Y. -- Green lighted by last week's FDA approval, drug manufacturer Ortho-McNeil Pharmaceuticals unveiled on Monday the company's newest oral contraceptive: Ortho-Novum 1/12 - the world's first chewable birth control pill.
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Toledo, Ohio -- The fast food business forged another milestone in human health decadence this week, as the inter-national Burgerman restaurant chain added the "Ultimate Chilidog" to its lunch menu.
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Washington, D.C. -- Making national a movement that has for years remained primarily a grassroots effort, Orange appeared on Larry King Live Friday evening with a plea to the nation to support the desegregation of all foods.
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Long Beach, Calif. -- Local mailman and suspected pedophile Frank Clancy claims that his frequent beach excursions are inspired by his interest in oceanography, and not by the twisted mental fantasies induced by eyeing up the beach's vast supply of fine pre-teen trim, sources report.
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New York, N.Y. -- Less than a month after introducing the highly anticipated Siegfried & Roy signature fragrance into the male cologne market, fashion giant Giorgio Armani announced last week its decision to stop production on the celebrity fragrance...
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Washington, D.C. -- In an effort to crack down on the widespread use of performance-enhancing drugs, officials will begin screening Special Olympics athletes for steroid use, the International Amateur Athletic Association (IAAA) confirmed Thursday.
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New York, N.Y. -- Fans of fast food breakfast sandwiches and sadomasochistic eating behavior are eagerly awaiting the new "Double Egg Sausage Ham Bacon Biscuit McMuffin," an experimental sandwich now being served during breakfast in select test markets.
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Your living room -- Despite wagering over an entire day's wages on tickets, you again did not win the lottery and will have to get up and go to fucking work tomorrow.
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Washington, D.C. -- Having exhausted nearly $350 million in federal research funding, the U.S. Treasury Department disclosed this week that it has made little progress in discovering a cure for the penny, a widespread financial parasite that experts say causes severe discomfort in otherwise economically healthy consumers.
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