Average American Family Now One Sad Person Alone In Cold House

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Washington, D.C. – According to a recent report by the U.S. Census Bureau, the average American family now consists of one lonely person moping around inside a drafty 3,000-square foot house. “The traditional concept of the American household – that is, two heterosexual parents and two or three children – Is becoming increasingly obsolete,” said Bureau spokesperson Alex Crawford, who cited himself as one of the majority of Americans who routinely come home to an empty house after working 16-hours to provide for a family who has long forsaken them and moved on with their lives. “Instead of mom, dad, two-point-four kids and a dog enjoying a modest home filled with love and laughter, American households now mostly consist of one lonely, overworked person who has slowly pushed away each of their family members, huddling in solitude inside an under-heated house that’s way too big for just one person.”

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