Department of Sandpaper Shows Grit, Levies $400M In Fines

Speaker at Podium

Washington, D.C. – Officials at the U.S. Department of Sandpaper aggressively issued fines totaling more than $400 million against various corporate staples of the hardware industry, sources reported Monday. “These fines are rubbing us raw,” said Wal-Mart CEO Doug McMillon regarding the stiff financial penalty levied against his company by Sandpaper Department officials. “Such an abrasive style of regulation could mar the smooth pace of the national economy.” McMillon speculated that the brusque move by Sandpaper Secretary Richard Janis might be an attempt to put a nice finish on Janis’ political career before moving on to the private sector.

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