Charlene, honey, we really need to talk, but you won’t return my calls, texts or e-mails since we had that big fight last night, which ended with you kicking me out of your apartment and saying you wanted to break up with me. Now, this morning, I see you’ve gone ahead and changed your facebook profile from reading “In a relationship with Mark Sanborn” to “Single.” So apparently when you said, “I want to break up with you,” I’m worried that you were actually saying, “I am breaking up with you.” Yes, I know I have jealousy issues, Charlene, but I love you more than life itself. I’d rather die than see you with another man. So believe me when I say that our relationship isn’t over until my facebook status says it’s over.
Maybe you truly believe our relationship is over, but after everything we’ve been through during the last two years, don’t think for a second that I’m just going to let you throw it all away with a few impulsive mouse clicks. How could you just suddenly announce yourself to the world as being single just because we had a little fight over you e-mailing that old boyfriend of yours? I simply refuse to accept the idea that you’re just all-of-a-sudden flat-out dumping me over this. I, therefore, am at least going to be adult about this and keep my facebook status as “In a relationship with Charlene Barns” until we get a chance to sit down face-to-face and work this thing out.
I for one know deep down in my heart that if you really were serious about breaking up with me just because I get insanely jealous whenever you even look at another man, you probably would have changed your status to “In an open relationship,” because you’d know how enraged and crazy that would make me. So, clearly, you still have feelings for me. Changing your relationship status on facebook is probably just your way of communicating your feelings to me. I’m sure that if facebook’s relationship window included a “Working it out” option, you no doubt would have selected that instead of “Single.” Either way, Charlene, understand that I’m hearing you loud and clear: your love for me transcends all space and time – we’re just going through a rough patch.
Also, I’m not so blinded by my obsession with you that I can’t recognize that you may have inadvertently clicked on “Single” when you were actually trying to temporarily change your relationship status to “It’s complicated.” Everybody makes mistakes; you probably just clicked “Single” and simply didn’t notice that it wasn’t what you meant to click. If so, you don’t worry about explaining – just switch your profile setting back to “In a relationship with Mark Sanborn” and we’ll just put the whole thing behind us. Please do it quickly though, and make sure my name is in there, because if a couple of days go by and then your status reads “In a relationship,” I could misinterpret that to mean you’ve started seeing someone else – and that would devastate me.
For me, Charlene, I’d sooner shoot myself than change my facebook status to “Single.” You are the only woman for me, always and forever – thus, my facebook status will remain as “In a relationship with Charlene Barns” until one or both of us are dead. One thing is certain: I will not lose you to someone else. Trust me on this one. You know me better than anyone else on Earth, but even you might not know what I’m capable of and just how far I’ll go to ensure that no one but me can ever have you.
Anyway, if you’re phone is broken or something and you’re simply unable to respond to my messages, rest assured that I’ll be refreshing your facebook page about every 10 seconds until I see you’ve changed your status back to “In a relationship with Mark Sanborn.” That will tell me all I need to know.
By now I’m sure you can tell how important this is to me. I promise not to leave this chair, not to stop compulsively refreshing your page until your facebook status stops indicating “Single.” I actually just called the office and quit my job today so I can spend all day every day watching your relationship status for as long as is necessary.
Whatever happens, my beloved Charlene, please know this: I will see you at least one final time before either of us move on. Cross my heart and hope to die: my facebook status will read “Widowed” before it ever reads “Single.” You’d do well to keep that in mind. Our time together will not be over until my facebook status says it’s over. This I can guarantee.