My biggest weakness as a potential employee? Probably my immense laziness

What do I feel is my biggest weakness as a potential employee of your corporation? Um, hmm, let me think for a second here for a moment.

Boy, that’s a tough one, isn’t it? My biggest weakness, let’s see. Just one right? Well, I suppose if I had to narrow it down to just one character trait that really stands out as my absolute biggest weakness in terms of how I’d perform in a profession capacity here at Penn, Inc., I’d probably have to say it would be my immense laziness.

Would I elaborate? Um, yeah, sure. I guess that’s what I’m here for right, to tell you what you want to know? I suppose I can’t very well expect you to pick me for the job if I just sit here like a mime and stare at you for fifteen minutes.

Okay, so, my laziness. Well, I guess let me start by assuring you that when I say I’m lazy, I’m not talking about your run-of-the-mill, not-exactly-the-first-guy-to-volunteer-for-the-job-type laziness here. I’m talking about chronic indolence, sloth of staggering proportions. Pretty much, it’s like this: I’m the type of worker that continually slides by doing the absolute minimum amount of work I can get away with without getting fired.

No, my laziness isn’t an every-so-often type of thing, I’m pretty much lazy all the time. Actually, let me clarify: I’m lazy all the time I’m at work. Over the years I’ve found that if I’m lazy enough at work, I can conserve so much energy that when I get home from work I’m generally able to be quite active.

Promise you that I’ll work on my laziness? Well, I’ve got to level with you here: I doubt if my laziness could get any more refined. I mean, right now I can pretty much guarantee with a good deal of certainty that within no time my coworkers would come to know me as the person not to go to when they need a hand, an opinion, some advice or any other sort of help that requires me to stop daydreaming and concentrate on something work-related for five seconds.

Other weaknesses you should be aware of? Oh, boy, where do I start? Well, I have an extremely short temper – especially when it comes to bosses that like to bark orders at me or ride me really hard or demand that I be on time. That sort of thing.

Now, that I think about it, you should probably be aware that I also tend to steal a lot of stuff. No, no, not kleptomania, per say – let’s just say that a fair share of office supplies from work like pens and staplers and printers and laptops and stuff tend to end up at my house entirely on purpose. Well, that’s unless I’ve already implemented some sort of embezzlement scheme into your accounting practices and don’t want to risk drawing any attention to myself by lifting items I’d easily be able to pay for with the cash I’m skimming from the company.

I’ve been told by previous employers that the sexual harassment lawsuits that are constantly being filed against their company because of me can be a bit of a hassle as well. Actually, you being the human resources director, you’d be the perfect person to ask: are the female employees here at Penn Inc. generally pretty willing to swing or are they usually all uptight about being hit on at work and all that? You know, flirting, sexting, e-mails riddled with inappropriate innuendos – stuff like that. Any idea how well that stuff flies among the broads who work here? Because no matter how lazy I can be at working – should you decide to take me on – I usually have no trouble finding plenty of time to mack on the hotties, if you know what I’m saying.

Yes, I see our time is indeed up, finally. Okay, well, as you know, I’m available to start not-really-working right away, so I’ll be ready and waiting for your call. I’m sure you have some other candidates you’re interviewing for the position and whatnot, but I promise that if you give me a chance, I won’t let you down in any more ways than those of which we’ve already outlines. That’s as long as you don’t mind people sneaking out of the building every half-hour or so for a moderately lengthy smoke break.

Well, thanks very much for your time today. I’d better let you get back to your business. I’m sure you are very, very busy and have lots of work to actually complete today. Just kidding, of course.

March 2004