What do I have to do to get my child kidnapped?

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By Frank Wainwright, Parent

I have a message for all of you parents who, through your own negligent actions, have lost a child to a kidnapper. You know who you are and what you did. You chose to leave the sleeping infant in the stroller on the sidewalk out in front of the store after seeing a clearance special through a shop window ("It'll only take a minute!"). Or you became preoccupied at a sports game and the kid wandered off in search of the public bathroom alone, never to be seen again. I have one thing to say to this type of parent: I'm impressed - it's damn near impossible to get a kid stolen these days.

I speak from experience. My wife and I have been trying to have our kid napped for the better part of nine years.

Like every parent who is trying to attract kidnappers' attention, we let the world know we had a youngster up for grabs by plastering those suction cup "Toddler On Board" signs on every window of our minivan. Then we'd strap our Jonathan loosely into his car seat and take him with us everywhere we went. We'd leave him in the unlocked car and run into convenience stores for a gallon of milk or a pack of smokes, only to return to an occupied vehicle. We must have done it hundreds of times - never got a single bite. Eventually Jonathan learned how to operate the car seat buckles and door handles, and he started coming in after us.

At this point, we knew that ditching this kid wasn't going to be as easy as we had first thought.

My wife had the brilliant idea of putting one of those static stickers you get from the fire department in the corner of his bedroom window - you know, the ones that announce that there is a child sleeping in this room.And we of course encouraged Jonathan to sleep with the window open during those hot summer nights. How could a kidnapper resist this opportunity?

Nothing.

We were heartbroken. I mean, come on, we're drawing kidnappers a map for Christ's sake! "What the hell does it take?" we wondered. We eventually conceded that perhaps the sticker wasn't big enough for prospective kidnappers to see from the street.

When Jonathan started school, we made sure his name was imprinted in big, colorful letters on every item of clothing he wore. Jonathan thought it was so cool. His backpack, his jackets, even his shirts, everything he owned announced boldly to the world that this kid's name was JONATHAN.

Convinced that a kidnapper would soon be luring Jonathan into his car by calling him by name, my wife and I started planning a romantic getaway for two.

That was three three school years ago. Jonathan now says he's too old to have his name on all of his clothing. And you know what? He's right, damn it. That idea worked about as well as a lead zeppelin.

Jonathan started peewee football this year. We encouraged his interest, and the day he made the team we went out and bought one of those huge, black wrought iron decorations in the shape of a football helmet, and had his name and football number painted on it in blazing white: JONATHAN, #54. We nailed it to the tree in the front yard, and we've put a "My child is an honor student at Philmore Elementary" sticker on our van. Any would-be kidnapper now knows Jonathan's name, school and after school schedule.

There's nothing more we can do to aid a kidnapper's job. I guess the fate of our son is in God's hands now.