This novelty ringtone says a lot about the kind of asshole I am

They say that you can tell a lot about a man by the company he keeps. I guess that’s sort of true, but it leaves a lot up in the air. If you equate me to my friend Jeff, you would think of me as some kind of misogynistic asshole. Whereas if I were lumped into a group with my dudes Tom or Steve, one would consider me a loudmouthed douchebag who respects nothing and no one. Sure, maybe I’m a bit like them, but much more I should think. How can I express my individual identity to the scores of anonymous people around me day to day? Therein lies the dilemma I faced. That is, until I paid a virtual visit to the BlackBerry ringtones store.

Now, rather than leave my specific personality up in the air, I’ve managed to select a distinctive ringtone that will alert friends, coworkers and passersby alike – folks I’ve never even met, mind you – as to the particular brand of asshole I am. It should be clear by now that I have not selected just any ringtone. Current pop? Hardly! A classic Beatles tune? Wrong again.

The sort of ringtone a guy like me deserves must combine the striking cleverness of an old-school selection with a lingering cultural relevance that makes everyone within earshot turn their collective attention to the guy with that awesome/funny/obscure ringtone (this guy). How else will I ensure a room’s concentration is focused upon my voice as I greet one of my asshole friends with a barrage of nonsensical nicknames, crude inside jokes and seemingly inane cursing? Those are the moments – the defining times when everyone else in line at Quiznos appreciates the unique sort of dedicated asshole I am.

And trust me, this ringer is already doing the trick. While many a stranger used to look at me with the disdain reserved for portentous assholes, my new incoming call jingle-jangle lets them know that’s not the case. When all those around hear mid-‘90s rap sensation Warren G. spitting the deft lyrics of “Regulate,” they know that pretension is the furthest thing from my mind. I am an altogether different breed of asshole: a showman of epic proportions, a jackass appreciated by his own kind, an assholes’ asshole, if you will.

So you can see that through an approach that channels an uncommon ringtone choice, I’m better able to announce to the world that within me lies much more than that of your common douchebag – not your everyday, run-of-the-mill asshole, but a specific sort that demands attention to the jaw-dropping show that is me. Hang on a sec, bro. Warren’s telling me that it was a clear, black night. I’m going to have to take this after I let the phone ring a bit longer. That douche two lanes over in this Target store has yet to acknowledge my choice of ringtone.

Courtesy of our news partner The Giant Napkin.

September 2009