In an attempt to relieve the high volume of telephone and e-mail queries flooding the Recoil office, management has ordered that the space typically allotted for Eye On Dick is to this month be used to publish all pertinent information regarding the booking of cultural icon Dick Bill for public appearances.
General contract conditions
Check in the amount of $239 (or three round-trip airplane tickets to Las Vegas) must be received by mail at the Recoil office at least 10 days prior to the scheduled appearance.
No public appearance will be scheduled to occur before 11 p.m. (local time).
No public appearance will be scheduled to end before Dick Bill is prepared to retire for the evening.
One male driver (preferably moonlighting from job at local head shop) will be required to transport Dick Bill to and from the venue as many times as is necessary throughout the event's run.
Venue will be charged additional $10 for each unfinished beer entering Dick Bill's field of vision.
Naturally, the venue assumes all legal responsibility for the activity of Dick Bill and his entourage.
Recoil urges promoter to consider that a successfully executed Dick Bill appearance will likely be more costly to your business than can accurately be portrayed on paper.
Dick Bill Personal Appearance Rider
Goods and services to be provided by the venue promoter for the Dick Bill staff, handlers and entertainers:
4 copies of The Anarchist's Cookbook (first edition)
1 half-barrel of Labatt Blue Light
1 half-barrel of Huber Bock
2 growlers of Black Chip Ale (Main Street Station Hotel & Casino, Las Vegas, Nev.)
1 quart of Absolut Vodka
2 quarts of Jack Daniels
1 quart of Fighting Cock Whiskey
1 quart of strawberries
1 quart of blueberries
1 quart of transmission fluid
1 quart of brake fluid (Dot 3)
1 12-ounce bottle of water
12 sixteen-ounce drinking glasses
16 eight-ounce rocks glasses
8 forty-eight-ounce beer glasses
6 gallons assorted ice creams
Current month's issues of Playboy, Hustler, Penthouse, Recoil, High Times and Manufacturing Engineering
Pre-hung piņata stuffed with 120 Vicodin tablets (1000 mg)
1 box 12-gauge shotgun shells
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Dick Bill's dressing room:
One full-length mirror
Several small, palm size mirrors
1 gross of razorblades
2 couches
12 unbroken television sets
4 garbage cans
1 gas-powered golf cart
1 conference table with chairs
1 craps table with dealer(s)
Stove or hotplate suitable for liquefying solid substances
3' x 3' wooden box full of sand
Assorted chemical laboratory supplies (see production manager for details)
ALL ELECTRICAL OUTLETS MUST BE 480 VOLTS!!! (very important)
Pharmaceutical room:
Must have direct access to the stage and to Dick Bill's dressing room
Must have non-English-speaking surgeon on hand at all times
2 double beds
3 full first aid kits
2 IVs filled with Red Bull
1 hospital gurney with head and limb immobilizers
1 full surgical kit with heart defibrillator and stomach pump
2 quarts of Jack Daniels
Support staff room:
12 grade school desk and chair sets
One bullhorn
One bullwhip
One bull
One mop handle
One bag of small rubber bands
Two support staff reward rooms:
2 double beds
1 cigarette machine
1 condom machine
8 rolls of quarters
Detainment room:
5 chairs
No lights
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Eye on Dick
The Recoil Handbook
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