Dick the Candidate

A year into his controlled swerve toward Washington, Dick has reluctantly agreed to publicly air his positions on today's hot political issues.
It should be noted that in order to remain competitive with other candidates, Dick's current campaign positions will remain subject to light revisions, complete rewriting, unapologetic flip-flop of stance and/or open denial of previous positions, right up through election day.

DICK'S PLATFORM

Prescription Drug Costs: Dick feels the nation's concern regarding the outrageously high cost of prescription drugs is missing the mark. More attention should in fact be paid to the real issue: the outrageously high cost of all drugs.

Foreign Relations: As head of the only world superpower, Dick will restrain from bombing any country that consistently delivers two cases of beer to the Oval Office by noon of every Thursday throughout the length of Dick's term.

Immigration: President Dick will encourage immigration so far as to allow anyone relocating from certain areas of Columbia to stay with him at the White House until the contents of their luggage is fully depleted.

Gun Control: If for no other reason than to shut that Charleton Heston prick the fuck up, Dick will urge the Supreme Court to legislate mandatory firearm ownership for all American citizens.

Medical Malpractice Reform: Simply stated, if we only punish doctors who kill patients, then only patients killed by doctors will have doctors who kill patients. And we can't have that.