Stripped of his legitimately-earned driving privileges almost a decade ago by an enraged mob of torch-carrying, off-duty state and county police officers, former professional stunt driver and current cultural icon Dick Bill recently began a campaign to get his driving rights legally restored. Having pledged to avoid drunk driving by eating his car keys at the first sign of drunkenness (a public service being sponsored by Riley’s Hardware, who has already pressed 365 copies of the keys for the company’s first year of involvement), Dick’s first obstacle to overcome in pursuit of a legal driving status was passing his driving exams. Below are the results of Dick’s first attempt at passing the mandatory driving test.
- Pre-drive procedures: Immediately broke cigarette lighter and managed to chew through seatbelt, but displayed mastery in using mirrors.
- Obeying traffic signs: Strictly obeyed signs’ commands, almost to a fault. Told student not to take signs’ orders so literally after he stopped car and refused to pull past a “Do not pass” sign.
- Following distance: Consistently had trouble maintaining a safe distance from other vehicles when they were loaded with hot women.
- Overtaking vehicles: Problem understanding terminology; student was upset to learn that proper technique for “overtaking vehicles” in no way resembled pirates overtaking other ships.
- Driving in reverse: Started off shaky, but did much better after taking his “neck pills” and removing his welding goggles.
- Incidents: 1. Almost killed a pedestrian, although it technically didn’t count against his driving score because student left vehicle and ran him down on foot (screaming something about “bad acid”) before assaulting pedestrian in an alleyway. 2. When briefly followed by police car, student handed instructor a small paper bag and asked for me to hold it for him. Contents unknown.
FAILED
|
Eye on Dick
The Recoil Handbook
© 2009 Blue V Productions, LLC, All rights reserved.
