Dick's Pets

During numerous ill-conceived attempts to appear more domesticated to regular citizens, animal enthusiast and cultural icon Dick Bill has on occasion taken in abandoned animals, wayward creatures (Gino included) and half-dead roadkills (Gino also included) and instituted them – although in a unanimously temporary capacity – as trusted house pets. Listed below are reasons why Dick eventually gave each animal its walking/slithering/flying papers:

• Pet pig Pig wouldn’t stop complaining about the living conditions in Dick’s house.

• Pet parrot Bird had horrible taste in music – kept repeating Godsmack lyrics. Stuffed version much quieter.

• Pet chameleon Kept blending into surroundings by turning white. Was eventually accidentally snorted and never seen again.

• Pet monkey Monkey simply too damn smart. Kept figuring out combination to padlocks on refrigerator and stealing all the goddamn beer.

• Pet redhead Redhead simply too damn stupid. Couldn’t remember combination to padlocks on refrigerator long enough to get Dick another goddamn beer.

• Pet rock Kept inviting all its rock buddies over and then just laying around all day. Lazy-ass rock eventually thrown through window.

• Pet window shards See above for origin. Window shards actually still Dick’s only beloved pets.

• Pet brunette Couldn’t get along with pet blonde. Also, had small breasts.

• Pet fish It was raining outside and Dick was out of Ramen noodles, so...

June 2008