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The sternly condemning media orgy currently shadowing the Catholic Church has caused severe drop-offs in both average mass attendance and congregation revenues. In late September, Pope John Paul II - desperate to rekindle parishioner interest - ordered Church officials to hire noted spiritual consultant Dick Bill to oversee a complete revamping of service procedures intended to inject new life into the Church, increase earnings and target new congregation demographics.
Among Father Dick's recommended changes:
Decrease revenue volatility by replacing collection plate with five-dollar cover charge.
Allow the phasing-out of one commandment every year for parishioners maintaining perfect attendance.
Provoke individual life-changing religious experiences by dabbing select Eucharists with sunshine acid and encouraging parishioners to hold wafers under their tongues.
Shorten unbearably lengthy hymn recitals by replacing gospel choir with coked-up ska-punk band.
Offer "extra credit" assignment to ambitious congregation members: figure out and teach Dick that "changing water to wine" trick and get free pass to heaven.
Eliminate confession booths; empower priests to judge the living based solely on their appearance.
Bring back stoning as preventive disciplinary measure. |
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Eye on Dick
The Recoil Handbook
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