Handy Dick

Former high school woodshop class hero and cultural icon Dick Bill recently fell back on his extensive knowledge of woodworking during renovations to Mulligan’s Pub in Eastown last month. Below are some notable events from the almost entirely injury-free work sessions:

• Construction gets off to slow start when Dick refuses to start working until everyone involved hits Dick’s thumb with a hammer as hard as they can.

• Production slows after Dick insists entire crew adopt new woodworking policy: measure twice, cut once, drink five times.

• Work halted when Dick refuses to admit any knowledge of what happen to all the damn razorblades that Gino swears were in the boxcutter just a few days ago.

• The need for reconstruction becomes apparent when Dick notices that he is the only one who has been using the metric system the entire time.

• Dick Bill becomes unable to obtain supplies for project after Home Depot bans him from store for life for using store’s paint shaker for inappropriate sexual endeavors.

• Dick “accidentally” and “coincidentally” paints himself into the only corner of the room that has a full cooler of beer in it.

• Dick ruins portable concrete mixer by using it to make margaritas for entire work crew.

December 2007