Initial Public Dick

In an attempt to secure a long-term stream of financial security (i.e. longer than two weeks’ worth of beer money), economic anomaly and cultural icon Dick Bill began offering shares of himself for public trading on the New York Stock Exchange on April 10 of this year. Investors worldwide immediately flocked to get their hands on Dick, which had until this time remained a privately held entity. Since Dick’s initial public offering, the price of DIK stock has pinballed between a low of $.08 and a high of $125 per share, spurred largely by the daily behavior of this ever-so-volatile commodity. Listed below are some of the events that have triggered both strong buying surges and frantic sell-offs:

• April 10: Sales of DIK stock – and, consequently, all other NYSE stocks – endure a sluggish start after an obviously intoxicated Dick Bill shows up four hours late to ring the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange.

• May 8: Nervousness among investors causes stock sales to slow even further amid rumors that the entire amount of capital amassed by DIK’s initial public offering had been depleted overnight from Dick playing Club Keno at Billy’s Lounge.

• July 1: The price of DIK stock remains unchanged at $.25 after Dick announces that his second-quarter earnings met Wall Street’s expectations of zero dollars.

• October 15: DIK prices surge after reports that Dick finally managed to nail that blonde hottie who works at Sensations.

• November 28: DIK prices plummet to an unrecoverable low upon investors’ discovery that Dick does not have a life insurance policy.

December 2007