Campaign finance reform -- Campaign donations from big tobacco companies should be allowed. However, any candidate accepting the monies will be required to make their children smoke a minimum of two packs of the company's product every day for the rest of their lives.

Abortion -- Dick will cut off the demand for abortion by authorizing industries to increase their toxic emissions and develop methods for more efficiently introducing them into the ecosystem, blanketing the earth with toxic chemicals and subsequently sterilizing every living thing larger than an ant.

Crime -- Crime is notoriously a very sensitive issue for politicians for the obvious reason: it's hard to work up the nads to sign in another silly law that you know you're going to personally break before lunch. All Dick is willing to disclose at this time about crime is that he "intends to lead by example."

Animal rights -- All animals should be protected from cruel and unusual punishment - except for that fucking dog that starts barking at 7 a.m. every morning outside of Dick's house.

Death penalty -- Not only should the death penalty be enforced, it should be handed out more readily. People who like Godsmack, people in the band Godsmack and people related to the people in the band Godsmack should all qualify for capitol punishment.

Foreign policy -- It is Dick's position that things that happen in other countries are very important.

Homelessness -- Dick feels that the homeless issue is just too depressing to have to think about. If elected, Dick will ignore the homeless issue so he can feel better about himself and do a better job of addressing each of the other issues from the comfort of the Oval Office.

Tax reform -- Income taxes will be abolished. Every citizen will, however, be required to piss away 35% of their gross income at government-operated casinos.

Term limits -- All terms set by female associates are to have a limit of ten minutes.

Cloning -- Senator Dick Bill sees no problem with cloning. Though personally not interested, if certain people get their kicks putting on silly makeup, dressing up in baggy jumpsuits, fake noses and oversized shoes, and juggling or doing balloon sculpturing for little kids, more power to them.

Social Security/War on Drugs -- Drugs will be legalized, but only people over the age of 65 will be allowed to sell them. This will provide the elderly with a steady income and restore their sense of community worth.

Health Care -- Doctors will be required to adopt Domino's Pizza's famous "Thirty minutes or it's free" policy, encouraging doctors to stop fucking around and get down to it. Just write us up our damn pills and let's all get on with our lives.