Though long canonized by associates as heroically virtuous, Dick Bill has only recently performed the minimum number of miracles required for certified recognition as a saint. Combined with Dick’s uncommon benevolence to the alcohol needy and his willing commitment to a life of poverty, the physical wonders documented below will no doubt convince Vatican officials to consider Dick as a candidate for sainthood, pending what in all likelihood will be his untimely death.

Miracle One: Resurrected keg
Depleted of its CO2 supply, a home keg system was miraculously revived by Dick, who willed the barrel to again flow despite insufficient pressurization. Those witnessing the phenomenon, which occurred at 5:30 a.m. Oct. 8, report that God was verbally thanked for providing the timely bounty through Dick.

Miracle Two: Prophesized outcome of roulette spin
After being directly spoken to by God, Dick aurally prophesized 28 black to be the winning number of a roulette spin conducted at the Four Queens Casino in downtown Las Vegas around 4 p.m. on July 14. Dick benignly announced the revelation to five players, who blindly trusted Dick’s accurate foretelling and were subsequently rewarded 35 fold.

Miracle Three: The Popcorn Incident
On August 18, at approximately 6:30 a.m., spiritual powers beyond human understanding are said to have converged around Dick’s microwave oven, causing every single kernel of a popcorn bag to pop to full bloom. The popcorn then sufficiently fed the eight people in attendance.

Miracle Four: “Healed” Farrell’s foot
Eastunes owner David Farrell confirms that during the morning hours of Oct. 10, Dick’s divine healing endowment relieved Farrell’s awareness of the pain resulting from his foot infection, enabling both to play rod hockey for six hours.