Smoking Dick

Like so many pink-lunged Michigan clubgoers, chronic non-smoker and cultural icon Dick Bill found himself obligated to adopt yet another self-destructive personal vice to his repertoire last month under pressure from state legislators, who in their infinite wisdom made it illegal for bars and restaurants to allow any form of indoor public smoking as of May 1. As determined as ever to behave in strict accordance with both state and federal laws, longtime habitual non-smoker Dick Bill forcibly familiarized himself with inhaling all matter of poisonous toxins – dangerously ignoring his strict, doctor-ordered all-liquid diet – bravely took up smoking last month in a last ditch effort to remain socially active in the area’s bar scene, as every single bar patron is now pretty much obligated to leave their drinking post en mass approximately every 15 minutes for their court-ordered outdoor smoke, leaving only the lowliest of fools to enjoy the atmosphere of an almost empty tavern. Dick would personally like to thank Michigan lawmakers for their courage in attacking the perfectly healthy lungs of those who had, until May 1, found no reason to smoke cigarettes – but who now have little choice but join the party.

June 2010