Sucking Dick

Not entirely unsympathetic to the massive environmental disaster taking place in the Gulf of Mexico – and even more motivated by word that the opportunity exists for volunteers to collect as much pure, unrefined product as they can take with them – extremely part-time nature lover and cultural icon Dick Bill recently hitchhiked down to Panama City, Fla., determined to singlehandedly clean up BP’s massive, ongoing oil spill by collecting a majority of the renegade crude utilizing a very long straw and his world famous cast iron-coated stomach. Drawing on his experience with both ingesting highly toxic substances into his seemingly indestructible body, as well as his prowess for siphoning gas from neighborhood cars, Dick is expected to have inhaled and ultimately puked out 90 percent of the spilled oil either into environmentally safe containers or onto the floor of Mulligan’s before month’s end.

July 2010