Sweeping up after Dick

After countless requests by friends, family members, neighbors, visitors, solicitors, landlords and homeless bums, homeowner-phobic cultural icon Dick Bill has stubbornly agreed to hire a maid, cleaning service or demolition crew (whichever will prove more capable and/or willing to tackle the job) in hopes of rectifying the untidy state of his domicile. The result of a reckless, singlemindedly motivated lifestyle, the condition of Dick’s pad will require unique but necessary cleaning skills and equipment. Listed below are applicant requirements:

• No work is to be done before Dick Bill wakes up, or 8 p.m., whichever comes first
• The repositioning or removal of any item of importance to Dick will be immediately fired and beaten severely about the head and shoulders (these items include everything from ripped articles of clothing to non-functioning appliances to broken glass and dried blood)
• Do NOT move, touch or so much as look at Dick Bill’s prized section of chain-link fence (it’s taken years for Dick to get it right where he wants it)
• Anyone willing to accept this cleaning position is obviously mentally unfit, and is therefor disqualified from applying

August 2010