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Sisters crusading either for world peace or jelly beans

Denver, Colo. – After having already spent months toiling for their cause, Denise and Amy Daniels of Denver showed determination in continuing their crusade for either world peace or jelly beans by appearing on a local television talk show Tuesday morning and pleading for the donation of more jelly beans.

“We’ve already got a lot of jelly beans from a lot of great supporters, but we need even more jelly beans – many, many more – in order to meet our goal,” said 10-year-old Denise Daniels, who along with her sister Amy, 7, have been going door-to-door around suburban Denver-area neighborhoods collecting their favorite candy in the name of world peace. “Long story short: we need as many jelly beans as people can give us. And, oh, I almost forgot! We want to see world peace.”

Archaeologists speculate on purpose of newly discovered Disco Age artifact

New York, N.Y. – Archaeologists excavating the ruins of a 1970s New York nightclub continued to speculate Friday about the purpose and historical significance of a 36-inch reflective sphere unearthed from the site in early January – an artifact many contend relates to a flamboyant, groove-based society of people that rose to prominence in the U.S. in the mid-70s before suddenly vanishing near the turn of the decade. »›

Microbrewery owner always in great mood

Coldwater, Mich. – Whether working hard taste-testing a new brew or simply shooting the bull over a pint during downtime at his Central Ave. microbrewery, John Ladds, owner and operator of the Hard Dollar Brewing Company, is always in the best of spirits, sources close to Ladds reported Saturday. »›

My biggest weakness as a potential employee? Probably my immense laziness

What do I feel is my biggest weakness as a potential employee of your corporation? Um, hmm, let me think for a second here for a moment.

Boy, that’s a tough one, isn’t it? My biggest weakness, let’s see. Just one right? Well, I suppose if I had to narrow it down to just one character trait that really stands out… »›

Germophobe cokehead insists on using own straw

Huntington, W. Va.—Gary Taylor, a self-confessed germophobe who also consumes cocaine on a regular basis, insists on using his own straw while snorting drugs with friends and acquaintances, the 25-year-old mortgage broker admitted Saturday night. “You expect me to use that after you just got done shoving it up your nose? Are you insane?” questioned Taylor after acquaintance Keith Blanch offered Taylor a rolled-up one dollar bill and a line in Taylor’s car outside a Huntington nightclub. Pulling a baggie full of straws from the pocket of his leather jacket, Taylor added: “Thanks but no thanks, man. I bring my own.” “It was like doing drugs with Monk,” Blanch commented.

Schoolteacher suspects student is abused, stupid

Baker, Nev.—Third grade schoolteacher Marcy Thomson is starting to suspect that one of her students, Carl Gaths, is the target of physical abuse at home and may in fact be the dumbest child she’s ever tried to teach. “Over the years, I’ve learned to recognize the signs,” said Thompson during a recess break Tuesday. “Bruises on his arms, his quiet demeanor, and inability to get along with other children all point to problems at home, while his low test scores, twenty percentile bracket reading level, an complete incomprehension of math point to problems in the head.” “Sadly, there is little we can do,” Thompson continued. “We can’t interfere in the child’s home life without proof of abuse, and our budget won’t allow for special tutoring.” As the product of a bad home situation and substandard public school system, Gaths will likely end up either in prison or working for life at a fast food restaurant, Thompson speculated.

Child will do dishes on The Sims but not in real life

Muncie, Ind.—When playing The Sims, a popular life simulation video game, Glen and Karrie Goldbloom’s 12-year-old son Warner always washes his character’s dirty dishes immediately after eating, despite the child’s outright refusal to do the same chore in real life. “See, after you finish eating you need to take your dirty plate to the sink and wash it,” Warner explained to his mom while playing The Sims Wednesday evening. “Otherwise everyone’s comfort meter will go down because you’re making the house messy.” “Imagine that,” Karrie Goldbloom replied sarcastically before retiring to her bedroom to write a letter to the Muncie Chronicle editor arguing that children do not in fact imitate what they see in video games.

Husband maintains consistent mood for half hour

Tuscan, Ariz.—Homemaker Emily Dietrich told reporters that her husband Ian Dietrich maintained a pleasant mood for at least a half hour after returning home from work Monday evening. “Normally Ian’s mood is all over the map from one minute to the next, so I’m not sure if him being upbeat and from seven to seven-thirty tonight was just a fluke or if he was making a conscious effort to be tolerable for more than eight seconds,” Emily Dietrich said.

Wife’s period more accurately described as exclamation point

Ann Arbor, Mich.—Area wife Anne Gile’s menstrual period could possibly be more accurately described as an exclamation point, according to husband John Gile, an English professor at the University of Michigan. “An exclamation point is usually associated with the loud or deliberate expression of feeling or emotion, which characterizes Anne’s whole demeanor during that time of the month,” said Gile. Gile added that some of the emotions expressed and actions enacted by his wife during her period could also often be expressed in print by the inclusion of three question marks at the end of the event’s description.