June 26 – Cancer

If your hands are shaking more violently than Shakira’s hips and your legs are flopping around like the fish at the end of Faith No More’s “Epic” video, it’s well past time to go on a bender. You’ve suffered the pain of total sobriety long enough to remember why you were avoiding it in the first place. Go directly to the corner liquor store and place your order. Don’t forget your ID; they haven’t seen you in a while, so they might not remember you from your near warlike occupation of their store in previous months. Now go home, pull the shades, and unstop the bottle. Here’s mud in your eye.


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