Archaeologists speculate on purpose of newly discovered Disco Age artifact

New York, N.Y. – Archaeologists excavating the ruins of a 1970s New York nightclub continued to speculate Friday about the purpose and historical significance of a 36-inch reflective sphere unearthed from the site in early January – an artifact many contend relates to a flamboyant, groove-based society of people that rose to prominence in the U.S. in the mid-70s before suddenly vanishing near the turn of the decade.

“Figuring out what function this enormous mirrored ball served during the Disco Age would be a tremendous step toward understanding what caused these super-freaky ancestors of ours to groove themselves into extinction so quickly after establishing their culture,” explained Graham Kelser, lead archaeologist for the privately-funded dig. “Usually, extravagant or luxurious relics like this are determined to have held some sort of religious significance for the people of their times. But considering the bizarre customs and rituals that were prevalent during the Disco Age, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that this ridiculous globe was worn as an earring.”

The mysterious orb is the latest in a series of puzzling artifacts unearthed during a seven-month excavation of the abandoned ruins of the Paradise Sky nightclub, where experts believe people of the Disco epoch congregated nightly to participate in elaborate dance rituals that somehow included raising at least one of these massive, shiny spheres into an exaulted position.

“We believe the mirrored ball was suspended from the ceiling and somehow used in conjunction with two other relics that we discovered within fifty feet of the sphere: a small spotlight and a primitive smoke-making machine,” said Kelser. “We couldn’t speculate as to what will happen when these three items are used in conjunction, but we managed to locate a group of experts at Columbia [University] who’ve agreed to smoke an ounce of grass this weekend and try to figure it out.”

Earlier this summer, publicity surrounding the excavation increased sharply when archaeologists unearthed the largely intact remains of what experts agree is likely to have been a highly-exalted leader during the Disco Age: a young male DJ.

“Studying the excavation’s discoveries – especially the remains of the male deejay, or ‘Afro Joe,’ as we’ve taken to calling him – has solidified theories that the disco deejay reigned as king during this time period,” said Dr. Alexander Daprich, an anthropologist and historian at the Brookings Institute. “This beloved figure would look out over his people from a raised altar called a ‘deejay booth’ and command over the rituals. He and he alone would dictate the pace and overall funkiness of the procession. And the people, especially the ladies, were no doubt prepared to boogie all night long at his behest.”

Daprich said that nearly eclipsing the importance of Afro Joe’s discovery was the incredible treasure-trove of Disco Age artifacts unearthed within immediate proximity of the DJ’s remains.

“Polyester pants, platform shoes, crazy medallion necklaces, hair picks, a ‘Disco Till You Die’ t-shirt – these people appear to have proudly worn some of the strangest garments and jewelry we’ve seen from any culture during any time in the history of civilization,” said Daprich. “But even more valuable to the historical community may be the large collection of ancient records that were uncovered under the king’s turntables. What these records might reveal about the Disco Period could provide the biggest breakthroughs yet in understanding this astutely puzzling culture.”

According to Daprich, these records – round, 12-inch vinyl tablets sheathed in cardboard and believed to have been used to record information primarily during the 1970s and ‘80s – appear to have been penned between 1975 and 1979 by what experts assume were the era’s most prominent scholars and artists.

“Four sisters named Sledge made multiple contributions to these archives, as did a clan of five young men so far identified only as Village People,” said Daprich as he carefully sorted through the priceless collection. “Unfortunately, there are no markings on the tablet to indicate which village these men came from or inhabited, but their photo conjures shocking images of what that place may have looked like.”

Though Daprich admitted that much of what is trying to be communicated through these records is, as he put it, “difficult to grasp,” Daprich and his colleagues, after exhaustive study of the records, have begun to piece together theories as to what circumstances forced such a far-out society of people into sudden extinction after having reigned supreme for half a decade. “Through study of these records, we’ve formulated two possible scenarios for the overnight fall of the Disco empire,” said Daprich. “The first theory suggests that the disco culture was completely wiped out during a 1979 British invasion, in which an angry young anarchist we believe named Johnny the Rotten used something called sex pistols to kill disco and forever change the landscape of the American culture.”

“The second theory is that the entire disco population fell ill to something called Saturday Night Fever and suffered a long, grueling death that everyone wished would have come a whole lot sooner,” Daprich said.