Area man to throw life away over broad

Raleigh, N.C. – Friends of resident Allen Buteyin confirmed Sunday that the 25-year-old engineering technician seems intent on throwing his life away in order to satisfy the growing demands of his relationship with girlfriend Sheila Coeling.

“I wish I could figure out why Allen’s so bent on throwing it all away over this broad,” said friend Jeff Letchner following Buteyin’s recent announcement that he and Coeling will begin living together in early November. “It was bad enough when he told me he had to quit our bowling league two months ago because Friday is the only night Sheila doesn’t work and she wants him to spend them with her. Now he’s moving in with her. Well, I guess that should just about do it for the poor bastard – it was nice knowing him.”

According to Letchner, Buteyin began “totally flushing his life down the toilet” shortly after he began dating Coeling, 22, approximately eight months ago.

“Allen had been seeing Sheila for maybe only a month when he backed out on our plans to road trip to Myrtle Beach to see Avenged Sevenfold because she wanted him to help with a candle party she was hosting or some gay shit like that,” said Letchner. “When I naturally called bullshit on that, he gives me this whole heart-to-heart about really liking this broad and wanting to show her his devotion or whatever. And this was after we found out that Mike Portnoy was going to play drums for Sevenfold at that show. That’s when I knew Allen was in trouble – that whether he knew it or not, he was fighting for his life.”

Letchner said that while he, Buteyin and other male friends had embraced and enjoyed the bachelor life since graduating college in 2010 – a period in which Letchner insists the foursome “lived life to the fullest” through spontaneous, reckless behavior devoid of responsibility – Buteyin’s social agenda underwent significant change once his relationship with Coeling began.

“Back before there was any Sheila, me and Allen, [friend] Warren [Groenendal] and [friend] Nick [Bovenkamp] would spend just about every night hanging out,” said Letchner. “We weren’t always at the bar getting drunk and chasing tail or anything – a lot of the time we were just sitting around my place, playing video games, jamming some music and generally just wasting time. But the point is that we were doing nothing together. Now we’re lucky if Allen shows up to drink beer once a week because he’s always busy doing God knows what with Sheila. And even when he does go out with us he always has to take off super early to get home and call Sheila. He’s like a walking corpse already.”

Groenendal, who has known Buteyin since high school, expressed similar frustration regarding his close friend’s unfortunate path.

“It’s tough to just stand there and do nothing while you watch your friend heaving his entire life into the dumpster all over some chick,” said Groenendal. “Eventually Nick and Jeff and I decided to stage an intervention to try to get Allen to realize that no girl is worth trading your life for. We sat him down and told him that if he could see what we see, he wouldn’t be doing this to himself. But he just got real defensive and said we were jealous or some insane shit like that and bolted. Didn’t even finish his beer – which the old Allen would have considered a capital crime punishable by triple beer bong.”

Though Letchner, Groenendal and Bovenkamp said they were disappointed with their inability to convince Buteyin to stop “tossing his life into the gutter over a broad,” the trio confirmed that they are resolute in their endeavor to save their friend’s life.

“It’s frustrating, trying to help someone so intent on destroying themselves by getting tied to one woman,” said Letchner. “Every time he gets mad at me for trying to stop him from buying himself a first class, one-way ticket to the suburbian death camp, part of me just wants to say, ‘Have a nice trip, Dufus.’ But another part of me wants to try to save him from going out like that, just like any one of my friends would no doubt do for me if it were my head on the block. I guess I just have to keep in mind that if I succeed, someday Allen will thank me for not letting him throw his life away over a chick.”