Bluenose technology expected to revolutionize hands-free sneezing

New York, N.Y. – Engineers behind the increasingly popular Bluetooth technology, which allows users hands-free cell phone communication via a small, lightweight earpiece equipped with a speaker and microphone, announced Monday that multiple technology firms are racing to put into market devices utilizing a newly developed technology called Bluenose – a technology being used to manufacture products capable of allowing users hands-free sneezing.

“Just as Bluetooth made it possible to talk on cell phones while freeing up your hands to engage in other tasks, Bluenose devices – small receivers worn on the outside of one’s nose – will make the act of sneezing a hands-free event,” said Dale Young, a consultant specializing in the marketing of newly developed technology. “The number of situations where this technology will come in handy are far too many to name, but just imagine, for example, never again having to watch your last ball drain because you had to sacrifice the use of a hand to cover a sneeze instead of operate a pinball machine’s flipper.”

By absorbing the disease-spreading, analog mucus created by a sneeze and transferring it into harmless digital signals that can later be deleted by the user, Young explained, Bluenose technology will offer a convenience he expects will appeal to a great many users of modern technologies.

“Bluenose will change people’s lives in both small and big ways,” Young said. “There are the little things, like never having to lose another point of ping-pong because you had to cover a sneeze. Then there are the big things, like an airline pilot not crashing a Boeing into the runway because he had to cover up a sneezing fit instead of using both hands to land the plane.”

David Shultz, a professional day trader, amateur musician, and author of a new book about maximizing one’s productivity, titled, Once More From the Top: This Time Way Faster and with A Lot Less Emotion, said he purchased a Bluenose device after a recent incident caused him to realize the value of hand-free sneezing.

“I lost a bid on eBay for the sole reason that I had to stop what I was doing to cover my face while I sneezed instead of being able to click my mouse,” explained Shultz. “That same day I was trying to make a trade online before the market closed and I had another sneeze come on. I was so pressed for time that I just tried to not cover up and I ended up blowing so much snot over my monitor that I couldn’t see where to click to close the trade. I went out that day and bought a Bluenose. [It] hasn’t had a problem since.”

Young said that Bluenose technology products currently on the market range in price from $39 to $169, and that many of the more expensive units include features such as self-cleaning filters, rechargeable batteries that allow for as much as 18 hours of sneeze-time per charge, and applications such as sneeze-waiting and sneeze-forwarding for users who receive a large volume of sneezes.

“Obviously, so consumers are going to be scared that their Bluenose will quickly download a virus, with it processing so many sneezes, but so far that hasn’t been the case,” said Young. “And so far there have been no reports of any increase in dropped sneezes.”

Shultz said he believes the Bluenose devices are likely to first become popular among Bluetooth earpiece users, who have already proven willing to trade personal aesthetics for increased productivity.

“Anyone who’s already willing to look like a total asshole by wearing Bluetooth earpieces around all day like they’re Uhura from Star Trek shouldn’t have any problem walking around with a Bluenose device jammed halfway up one nostril,” Shultz said.