The recently graduated rock-filled box. Inset: A copy of the box’s University of Phoenix diploma.

Box of rocks graduates from University of Phoenix

"Congratulations! You've graduated!" the box of rocks was informed by e-mail following the completion of the course's final exam. "Welcome to the exciting world of Business/Marketing! Click here to register for a Masters Degree from University of Phoenix Online, the nation's leading University for working professionals."

According to sources, the box of rocks had been able to obtain its degree online in only three years and without having to seek a leave of absence from its current job at a Pinconning residence, where for five years it has been solely responsible for stopping a porch's screen door from opening all of the way.

The recently graduated rock-filled box. Inset: A copy of the box’s University of Phoenix diploma.

The event marked a milestone for the inanimate object, which had previously received no formal education via public schooling or private vocational training.

University of Phoenix public relations director Kyle Rise refused to disclose the cumulative grade point average earned by the box of rocks, but confirmed that it had indeed earned passing marks in all of the courses required to receive a diploma from the atypical school.

"That a box of rocks was able to earn its degree through the University of Phoenix's online program is proof positive that anyone or anything – regardless of social class, cognitive ability or financial resources – can, through hard work and persistence, earn a college degree," said Rise.

Rise speculated that news of the box of rocks' achievement could spark increased enrollment among demographics previously absent from the University's student body, such as bags of hammers, telephone poles and Texas residents.

July 2005