Giant ceremonial scissors industry seeks federal bailout in wake of economic decline

Washington, D.C. – Citing the nation’s poor economy and a major downturn in the Grand Openings sector, CEOs of the giant ceremonial scissors industry went before Congress Tuesday, asking the U.S. government for bailout funds to keep their businesses alive during the current slowdown.

CEOs from the four largest giant ceremonial scissors makers laid out a plan that would call for $13 billion to fund job-creating activities like grand re-openings for more than 4,000 grocery stores across the nation, a redeemable voucher program to encourage consumers to buy American-made ceremonial shears, and a government buyback program that would guarantee higher aftermarket values for giant ceremonial scissors purchased within the next year.

“Our hope is to remain afloat as an industry until these hard times pass,” said Frank Melman, CEO of Festive Cuts, a giant ceremonial scissors manufacturer that produced its first pair of massive scissors in 1922. “We’ve tried everything we can to curb the effects of this recession, but in order to keep our employees working and to keep America opening stores and breaking ground in our time-honored grand fashion, we need an investment from our fellow citizens and leaders.”

Melman added that if the request for funds is approved, the grant would additionally create 86 separate ribbon-cutting ceremonies at giant ceremonial scissors manufacturing facilities to commemorate the funding. Those events would all call for the manufacturing of giant ceremonial scissors and also help the struggling broad satin ribbon industry, which has faced similar obstacles over the recent year.

“What happens in the giant ceremonial scissors industry effects this entire economy,” Melman told a Congressional panel Tuesday, just hours after holding a ribbon-cutting ceremony in the House of Representatives to mark the arrival of new community-use ink pens. “By creating ceremonial events in the marketplace, not only will we keep our employees working, but we keep the American economy moving as well. From the banner industry that benefits from retail openings to the novelty hard hat and shovel industries that rely upon regular ribbon-cutting groundbreakings, America is entirely dependent upon our success as an industry.”

Though Congress is expected to approve nearly $10 billion of the requested amount of bailout funds for giant ceremonial scissors manufacturers, many argue that these companies were blind to changing consumer demands, such as the rise in popularity of huge ritual machetes for use in grand opening and groundbreaking ribbon-cutting events.

“This is another gross misuse of government handouts to aide an industry failing because of its own bad management,” said economist Nathan Howard, who has said previously that he believes the best thing for the giant ceremonial scissors industry is bankruptcy for those manufacturers who cannot compete. “I don’t wish demise on any business or industry, but I don’t want to see bailout funds wasted on an industry so unwilling to adapt to the changing marketplace when there are clearly more-deserving beneficiaries of bailout funds, like the forward-thinking American automakers.”

Others still think the problems the industry faces have more to do with consumer confidence. Over the past eight months, 70 percent of new retail stores have held regular openings rather than grand openings, up 35 percent from the same period one year earlier.

“Unfortunately, we have to come to grips with the fact that Americans are moving away from larger, cumbersome openings to streamlined, efficient store inaugurations,” said Howard.

Meanwhile, with Congress feeling the pressure from shearmakers unions, the giant ceremonial scissors industry is all but certain to have an opportunity to regain market share and stimulate ribbon-cutting activity.

Courtesy of our news partner The Giant Napkin.