Johnson & Johnson test-markets new weight-loss patch

Side-effects include improved marital relations

New Brunswick, N.J. – At Johnson & Johnson Corporation's annual shareholders meeting Monday night, company officials expressed excitement regarding its ongoing test-marketing of GorgeDerm, a revolutionary new weight-loss patch which developers claim can help patients lose significant amounts of weight by curbing their ability to eat.

“One GorgeDerm patch placed over the mouth works all day to impede the patient's consumption of proteins, fats, carbohydrates and other nutrients that can lead to obesity,” explained Johnson & Johnson Research and Development Team Leader Jonathon David, who spearheaded the product's development. “The patch adheres itself to the upper and lower lips using a special bonding agent that lasts up to sixteen hours, fully restricting use of the mouth and thereby preventing the patient from 'cheating.'”

Aesthetically similar to the popular NicoDerm nicotine patch that has helped thousands of smokers kick the habit, the GorgeDerm patch is currently available to consumers over-the-counter in select areas of Alabama, Kentucky, Mississippi and Tennessee - states home to 23 percent of the nation's 59 million obese individuals.

“Patients may still experience the psychological compulsion to eat everything that isn't nailed down, but GorgeDerm ensures that they will not be able to act on these impulses,” said David. “[GorgeDerm] is an exciting new option for people who want to lose wait but have had no luck using convention methods such as pills, hypnosis or nicotine gum.”

“Oh, and diet and exercise,” added David. “I always forget that one.”

According to consumer polls, a majority of satisfied GorgeDerm users said that not being able to open their mouths or chew and swallow a large variety of foods was key to successfully dropping the unwanted pounds. A large percentage of patients, however, reported incurring a number of side-effects including dry mouth, fatigue, difficulty breathing and, perhaps most commonly, vastly improved marital relations.

“My wife and I have gotten along great since she started using the patch,” said Mark Droge, whose wife of nine years began using GorgeDerm in early January. “I noticed a difference almost immediately. It's not just that she's becoming more and more attractive to me, but she's more fun to be around, too. I've even been helping out by reminding her to put her patch on every morning.”

“Mmmmff, mmff eff ummm,” added Droge's wife, Kathy. “Umfff efmm mmmff.”

Though marketed primarily toward adult women - statistically the most at-risk demographic - this breakthrough weapon in the battle of the bulge is designed to treat obese children as well.

“We've seen phenomenal success in using the patch to adjust the behavior of children,” said David. “More and more of our children are struggling with obesity. They deserve [to use] the patch just as much as women do. Even if your child is not obese, you might consider starting them on the patch anyway. You can never be too careful.”

David said that consumer reaction from GorgeDerm's test-marketing has already revealed ways in which the product could be improved.

“We've had a lot of feedback from men suggesting we develop a 24-hour patch,” said David.