Metallica no longer mandatory

Washington, D.C. – Hundreds of thousands of U.S. radio listeners voiced a sigh of relief Friday after FCC regulators announced that modern rock stations are no longer allowed to air daily “Mandatory Metallica” song blocks – a practice that’s been religiously employed by program directors nationwide since the mid-90s.

“Considering the abhorrent quality and declining value of Metallica’s last four releases, it is the FCC’s decision that the band’s music can no longer be considered ‘mandatory’ under even the loosest of mainstream radio standards,” said FCC spokesperson Fredrick Moore. “Therefore, stations are heretofore disallowed from the daily airing of three or more of the band’s songs in a row as part of a ‘Muh-Muh-Muh-Mandatory Metallica’ segment, to which it is often referred.”

Mandatory Metallica – the catchy alliterative moniker for three-to six-song radio segments that draw from Metallica’s extensive catalog of radio singles – became widespread among modern rock stations when the band’s 1991 multi-platinum self-titled album culminated in mainstream success for a band that had previously toiled for over a decade in the underground metal scene.

The FCC’s decision to outlaw Mandatory Metallica segments came after more than 680,000 radio listeners signed petitions encouraging the commission to rescind Metallica music’s ‘mandatory’ status.

“This annulment of Metallica’s ‘mandatory’ standing is to be upheld by all active radio program directors,” said Moore, “even directors who commonly ignore Metallica’s later, weaker, misguided efforts in favor of spinning some of the killer, old-school cuts off of, say, Ride the Lightning or …And Justice For All. Even though the tunes on those albums totally rock, playing a bunch of those tracks in a row every day as part of a Mandatory Metallica segment would still constitute a violation.”

According to sources, many of those who signed the petition were in fact longtime Metallica fans who had become increasingly fatigued with radio stations’ overplaying of the band’s music as well as the artistic direction the band has pursued since 1996’s Load LP.

“I’ll admit, five or six years ago, I thought is was pretty cool to hear rock stations playing three or four Metallica songs in a row on a daily basis, considering that these same stations wouldn’t even touch [Metallica’s singles] until ‘One’ came out,” said longtime fan Mark Elms. “But as everyday programing, whenever I hear that Mandatory Metallica intro, I’m like, ‘Jesus, enough is enough already.’ I’m glad stations finally figured out that everybody pretty much tuned out on Metallica after they did that record where they played with that symphony.”

“Man, does that record blow,” added Elms. “I still can’t listen to the original ‘For Whom the Bell Tolls’ without hearing those goddamned string parts in my head now.”

Though program directors across the nation voiced their opposition to the FCC’s decision, many radio station staff members expressed mixed feelings regarding the ban.

“After having abided to the daily Metallica law for so many years, through the good and the bad, we’re all still coming to grips with the fact that Mandatory Metallica is finally over,” said Rob Gaines, an afternoon DJ at the Los Angeles station KROQ. “When I was growing up with Metallica’s music, I used to just dream about a time when their songs would receive any airplay, let alone be a staple component of every rock station’s play list. So in that sense, I’m kind of sad to think that now there won’t be a Mandatory Metallica segment every day – even on Mondays,when announcing it sounds really cool. On the other hand, I couldn’t be more relieved to know that I won’t have to act like I’m excited to play songs off the band’s latest comilation with Lou Reed, Lull. Just the CD’s name would suggest they’ve about had it. Everyone at the [radio] station agrees that every track on that release is complete trash.”

Rather than fight the FCC regulation, a majority of program directors polled indicated that they would instead introduce a new daily song block feature spotlighting a new, more relavent currently experiencing significant popularity.

“Unfortunately, the loss of a half-hour of Metallica no-brainers means we all have to find a different band to rally around once per day for no particular reason. We’ve through around some ideas but nothing’s set in stone yet,” said Gaines. “‘Absolute AC/DC’ is one, and that has a menacing kind of fing to it, but then there are deejays actually suggesting blocks like ‘Non-Stop Nickelback’ or ‘Compulsory Creed.’ Those would be sad.”

Added Gaines: ”Oh, and for the record, if ‘Godsmack Jackpot’ ends up as the replacement, I’m officially quitting the business.”