Orange calls for desegregation of basic food groups

Washington, D.C. – Making national a movement that has for years remained primarily a grassroots effort, Orange appeared on Keith Olbermann’s Countdown Friday evening with a plea to the nation to support the desegregation of all foods.

“Why must Americans place the pomegranate in a separate group from the pork chop?” mused Orange in response to an introductory question from Olbermann. “Why must the asparagus stand separately from the almond? We are all digestible, are we not? Do we not all provide essential vitamins and minerals, each in our own unique ways? The continued tyranny of segregation of the Edibles must end.”

‘The Edibles’ is a term invented by Orange – a term that unites all foods by their collective commonality: the ability to be eaten.

Orange began his mission in food desegregation after an enlightening experience as an audio-visual aid in a Lexington, Ky., fifth-grader’s classroom demonstration of the Four Food Groups.

“All of a sudden it just hit me that everything coming out of this child’s mouth was sheer bigotry. It was genus profiling,” said Orange. “And what was even more disturbing was that the ‘information’ this child was reiterating originated directly from the United States government.”

Orange has made progress in the 25 years he’s been fighting for desegregation of the food groups. In 1992, after five years of touring to educate the public about the benefits of a united source of nutrition for Americans, the United States Department of Agriculture agreed to metamorphose the Four Food Groups, breaking the four major units down into smaller categories and renaming it The Food Guide Pyramid. Food once divided into four groups – meat, dairy, fruits and vegetables, and grains – became six separate groups – grains, vegetables, fruits, dairy, meats, and sweets.

According to Orange, the new categories are a step in the right direction, but not nearly the ideal. Orange lamented that since this small step toward food integration, there has been absolutely no forward progress in the Unified Food arena. “Unless you consider the recent popularity of grilled meat salads as a breakthrough,” Orange stated.

“It seems that in most areas of the separate food groups, the Edibles have become complacent. They are content with the status quo,” Orange said. “Food has been segregated for so long that it just doesn’t know any other way to be. My new colleagues and I plan to change all of that.”

Orange said his recent invitation to appear on Countdown with Keith Olbermann was prompted by the growing popularity of the food desegregation movement’s new poster-fruits: Veggie Tales’ Bob the Tomato and Larry Cucumber, who are replacing the now less popular B1 and B2, also known as Bananas in Pajamas. “The Bananas were really a hot item when we signed them in the mid-80s, but Bob and Larry are really knocking the message out of the park,” said Orange. “Plus, they are both actually fruit masquerading as vegetables, so it really brings home the message that we’re all just a bunch of equally delicious Edibles, no matter what label you put on us.” Made famous through their nationally distributed, straight-to-video children’s animated series, and the movies Jonah and The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything, Bob and Larry agreed to endorse the Food Unity Movement last year, and have since appeared at FUM events across the nation.

“[Orange] has been working tirelessly for so long [toward fruit desegregation], and we feel that anything we can do to precipitate the freedom of fruit everywhere, we’ll definitely do. Isn’t that right, Larry?” said Bob the Tomato during a taped interview on Ellison County’s Fruit and Vegetable News television special last week. “Uh, yes, that’s absolutely right, Bob, because we’re the Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything!” Larry shouted gleefully. “Wrong gig, Larry,” Bob admonished. “Oh. Sorry, Bob,” said Larry. “Up with FUM!” shouted Larry. “I’d give you a thumbs up, but I don’t have any hands,” added Larry, with a grin.

The growing popularity of fruit and vegetable hybrids – products resulting from recent genetic experiments with organic foods – is an indication to Orange that consumers are ready to acknowledge foods as individuals, instead of instinctually profiling them as members of certain food groups. Orange cites products like Sobe’s “Orange/Carrot” juice, and ham and pineapple pizza as pioneering efforts at group integration, and encourages their consumption by adventurous humans.

This positive acceptance of integrated food genes amongst humans is very good for our cause, said Orange. Orange also cited human evolution as an inevitable contributor to food desegregation.

“I believe that, eventually, evolution and technology will end the problem of food segregation,” Orange explained. “With nature selecting toward toothlessness because of all of the processed foods Americans now enjoy, all food will out of necessity be blended together into a food processor, and mixed into a diverse, drinkable gruel. At that point, food ‘groups’ will no longer exist. But until that wonderful day, we’ll just keep fighting the good fight.”