Road trip with female friend less sexual than envisioned

Seikston, Mo. – After stopping for a bathroom break, college sophomore Danny Kinsler announced Monday that his road trip with a female acquaintance is continuing to progress entirely without sexual activity, much to his disbelief and dismay.

Kinsler, who selflessly offered to drive fellow student Natalie Hoffman back to her home for their school’s summer break on his way to Florida, is struggling to comprehend how Hoffman has not even suggested the smallest amount of fooling around in the back seat of his Ford Mustang.

“It’s like she’s never seen a dude before,” said Kinsler, who is completely fine with Hoffman 828 miles to not get some. “All I know is that I’ve taken girls as far as the grocery store in my Mustang and couldn’t keep them off of me.”

Aside from the obvious sensual environment created by his vehicle, Kinsler had arranged overnight accommodations at a motel to breakup the trip, telling Hoffman he could not drive straight through. He then ensured they shared a room with only one bed, feeling that rampant intercourse would be certain to ensue. Yet, despite setting up the ideal opportunity for Hoffman to discover his penis, the 20-year-old goddamned bitch just put her head on his chest and fell asleep watching The Late Show with David Letterman.

Based on Hoffman’s reputation at school fraternity functions, Kinsler has so far been dumbfounded by the utter lack of promiscuity shown by the sophomore environmental studies major. Also working in Kinsler’s favor are his months of built-up trust stemming from his friendship with Hoffman, who did not even have the courtesy to exit the motel bathroom in just a towel after showering, instead appearing fully clothed in sweatpants and a Colorado University hooded sweatshirt.

“That’s not right,” said Kinsler of the prudish Hoffman, who, upon accepting Johnson’s benevolent offer, apparently had no intention of performing even a simple act of oral sex on Kinsler’s behalf. “She said some crap about valuing me as a friend.”

Kinsler has been attempting to understand the events of the trip, hoping to gain an understanding of why Hoffman has failed to touch his leg knowingly or expose her breasts in a playful manner. He wonders if an opportunity was squandered when he failed to look longingly into Hoffman’s eyes after she had playfully punched him in the arm exiting a Wendy’s restaurant.

“Man, can you imagine if I had made my move then?” queried Kinsler, who likely now is imagining a graphic fantasy involving the misuse of a chocolate Frosty. “That could have been it, but maybe if I fake car trouble later we can recreate that passion.”

Currently 21 hours and 540 miles into their journey to Atlanta, Ga., Hoffman has decided to fall asleep in the passenger seat rather than playfully flirt with and ultimately sexually pleasure the deserving Kinsler, who is regretting not obtaining alcohol for the motel room last night.

Courtesy of our news partner The Giant Napkin.