Schizophrenic man's sandwich not agreeing with him

Schizophrenic man's sandwich not agreeing with him

Concord, Va. -- According to patrons of Herbie's Sandwich Shop, unemployed window washer and diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic Gary Conrad's extensive conversation with his ham and turkey bagel sandwich Monday afternoon took on an argumentative tone when the sandwich apparently did not agree with Conrad.

"Don't give me that 'literal interpretation' crap," said an agitated Conrad, shaking his head and then pointing angrily at the half-eaten sandwich sitting before him. "The Old Testament is God's word; heed it, lest thee be damned for eternity!"

Conrad and the arguementative sandwich.

Conrad then nodded his head silently as he listened to his lunch retort to his views on religion, government and other topics Conrad was discussing with the sandwich. Pausing briefly to plan his next sentence, Conrad took a large bite from the bagel entree, chewed vigorously and washed down the food with a drink from his Cherry Coke before continuing the verbal spar with his inanimate lunch item.

"No, no, you're entitled to your opinion," Conrad loudly continued, gesturing wildly with his hands and giving off body language indicative of a person immersed in conversation. "But be warned, Judgment Day is at hand; be saved or thou shall be cast onto a lake of fire!"

Sources say Conrad then looked maniacally around the room for a few moments before wrapping the uneaten portion of the argumentative sandwich in napkins, placing it in the pocket of his soiled jacket and saying, "I ain't done with you."

Diagnosed schizophrenic in 1993, Conrad's condition sparks delusions and hallucinations that often cause him to engage in nonsensical verbal communication with various non-sentient objects such as food products, light posts and parked cars.

Though Conrad often conducts such erratic behavior in the Concord area - many in the community affectionately refer to Conrad as 'That Crazy Guy' - patrons frequenting Herbie's Sandwich Shop during the recent outburst were unfamiliar with his condition, and subsequently "freaked out" by the schizophrenic's lunchroom mannerisms.

"I was sitting in the booth next to [Conrad] with my back to him, and I was listening to him argue with somebody," said Herbie's Sandwich Shop patron Donald Keppler, recalling Monday's events. "I thought he was talking on a cell phone, but then I turned around and it's just him talking to a sandwich. I was like, 'Oh, I see. He's crazy.'"

November 2001