New speed bump successfully lowers traffic speed with 100-foot proximity

Ada, Mich. – Many Cole Street residents are lauding the city’s recent decision to install a speed bump on the street’s 200 block – a move that has significantly lowered traffic speed for a 100-foot stretch of the four-mile long suburban drive, sources reported Monday.

“A lot of drivers use to barrel through here like bats out of hell. Not anymore,” said Misty Moorhead, the 40-year-old homeowner who spearheaded the neighborhood’s successful campaign for the speed regulator. “Now drivers have absolutely no choice but to slow down to a reasonable speed when they get about fifty feet away [from the bump].”

Moorhead’s bid for governmental action began in late fall when, concerned for the safety of her two pre-teen children, Moorhead began writing letters to city council members requesting that a speed bump be installed near her Cole Street home. These letters, along with a petition signed by Cole Street homeowners, prompted city officials to allocate $2,500 in local tax money to fund the bump’s December construction.

Neighbors agreed that while Cole Street’s standard 25-mph speed-limit is routinely ignored by motorists during other sections of the road, the speed bump’s installation has prompted a substantial change in traffic speed in the area immediately surrounding the bump.

“No matter if they are going twenty-five [miles per hour] or sixty-five, they all reach for the brake when they get about a stone’s throw from the speed bump,” stated Moorhead’s neighbor Randall Bell. “Everyone that lives and recreates in this one-hundred foot stretch owes Misty a debt of gratitude. Pedestrians and other drivers are much safer when they are right here by this part of the road.”

Not all residents, however, agreed that the speed bump’s installation is a positive achievement. Some homeowners instead claimed the obstacle does little to control the street’s overall traffic conditions.

“Yeah, drivers decelerate to manage the bump, but I swear at least half of them try to see just how close they can get to it at full speed before slamming on the brakes at the last second,” said Palmer Kingsbury. “It’s like a little game to them. In fact, I’ve even seen drivers speed up when they see the ‘Bump’ sign, like they need to make up for the time they’re going to lose when they have to slow down.”

Harboring little hope of influencing Ada’s traffic commission into taking action, Kingsbury and likeminded neighbors instead submitted a formal complaint to the Ada Joint Commission For Gentrification and the Promotion of Good Taste (AJCGPGT) in an effort to have the bump removed.

The little-known AJCGPGT was founded in 1991 by longstanding homeowners who opposed a new resident’s excessive implementation of garden gnomes as yard décor. The organization eventually secured jurisdictiony rule over zoning regulations based more on opinion than actual fact, such as 1993’s ordinance banning homeowners from using bright yellow house paint and the 1996 outlawing of the public appearance of cutoff jean shorts. The commission remains in existence “for the continued gentrification of Ada and the preservation of finer sensibilities.”

After reviewing Kingsbury’s complaint, Fitzgerald Montague, chairman of the AJCGPGT, said the commission is allowed the power to rule against the speed bump only on the basis of aesthetics, not functionality.

“The most compelling aspect of Kingsbury’s complaint is that the offending obstacle has been painted with diagonal white lines, which may be a violation of local statues ensuring good taste,” said Montague.