Telemarketer manages to punch in without first contemplating suicide

Goshen, Ind. – Twenty-four-year-old telemarketer Jeffrey Langer managed to wake up, drive to work and punch in without first contemplating suicide Monday, marking the first time the college graduate has accomplished the feat during his two years of employ at Teletronic Marketing Futures (TMF).

“I usually wake up and almost immediately start having to ward off the idea that I’d rather swallow a bottle of pills or drive my Saturn off an overpass than go to work,” said Langer, speaking from TMF’s break room during his 15-minute lunch break Monday afternoon. “But somehow today I didn’t seriously consider taking my own life until the computer was random-dialing my third cold call. It wasn’t until [that time] that I realized how self-inducing a premature death would be better than spending another day at this rotten job. That’s definitely a first for me.”

Langer attributed the unusual delay in his ritualistic masochistic thoughts to a factor not incurred during a typical workday morning.

“I way overslept, so I was in a major hurry,” said Langer of his uncommonly blissful morning mindset. “I usually lay in bed for about ten minutes every morning, wishing I had the courage to end it all, instead of going to work at a job I so loathe. I guess today I simply didn’t have time to wish I was dead instead of on my way to work.”

Langer reluctantly began his hated employment at TMF in July of 2008, after graduating with honors from Purdue University with a Bachelors Degree in Computer Science, only to confront a remarkably thin job market. Having failed for several months to secure employment in his studied field, and under financial pressures from car and student loan creditors, Langer eventually settled for a monotonous, demeaning telemarketing position advertised in the classifieds section of the Goshen Reader.

Langer attempted to justify his desperate employment decision: “I saw an ad in the paper promising ‘full-time pay for part-time hours,’ and said to myself, ‘What the hell? How bad can it be? And it’s not like working at Burger King or something.’ Plus, I thought of all the valuable people skills I’d be learning. I must have been out of my fucking mind.”

Now one of TMF’s top phone salesmen of secured credit cards, Langer admitted that his frequent promotions and fully outfitted, personal cubicle in the TMF’s Yankee Doodle Visa Wing is not enough to stymie the suicidal contemplations that accompany his workday mornings.

“All the best in office supplies can’t replace my soul,” said Langer, as the emotionally unstable telemarketer faxed resumes to computer-related businesses, continuing his relentless two-year search for a job more suited to his education and intellectual interest. “At this point I’d almost rather pick up cans off the side of the street than scratch out a living bothering people on the phone. At least that way I’d have more dignity.”

Though each passing day of telemarketing is forcing Langer’s youth, enthusiasm, self-confidence and lust for life to continue their respective downward spirals and pushing his fragile psyche to an increasingly suicidal level, Langer managed to muster a short burst of optimism that shone through his desperate condition.

“I have a second interview with Radio Shack next week,” Langer said. “You never know, maybe I’ll get lucky.”