Third-grader announces list of classmates who swear

Athens, Ga. – Benson Elementary third-grade student Lisa Neumann announced a comprehensive list detailing the first and last names of classmates who swear, sources confirmed Sunday.

“Billy Augton says the ‘H’ word all the time,” stated a focused, unwavering Neumann from the backseat of her parents’ Ford Astrovan as the family returned home from church services late Sunday morning. “And Joey Griffin and Todd Lent say it too, like, constantly.”

Surprised by Neumann’s unprompted revelation, the youth’s parents, Cyndi and Damon Neumann, later claimed they in no way encouraged their daughter’s verbal disclosure of the behavior of her foul-mouthed classmates, and in fact sought to convince the child to abruptly end her unrehearsed statement.

“I think I said something like, ‘Is that right? You know, you should never say that word. That’s for grownups,’” said Neumann’s mother, recalling her reaction to the child’s impromptu dissertation. “I was hoping that would just end it.”

However, after only a short contemplative pause marked by a slight increase in the car radio’s volume, Neumann continued voicing her thorough account of recent schoolroom vulgarity and its users.

“Tori Lager told me she heard Noel Gillens say, ‘s-h-i-t,’” Neumann offered in a firm yet charmingly naïve tone.

Clearly concerned with the increasingly blue content of her daughter’s incriminations, Neumann’s father further discouraged her to refrain from continuing the report.

“At that point I told Lisa I’d heard enough,” said Neumann’s father. “I told her, ‘Never mind what other kids say, you, girl, are not to even allowed to spell words like that. Now that’s enough.’”

Determined to finish the list of indictments, Neumann chose to ignore her father’s authoritative statement and conclude the report by citing her last and perhaps most fantastic account of the vocalized obscenities.

“On the playground I heard Teddy Sorton say the swear word that rhymes with ‘truck,’” stated Neumann. “He’s in sixth grade. The first letter of the word is an ‘F.’”

Neumann’s testimony broke weeks of silence regarding the nature and frequency of her exposure to adult-oriented phrases. Neumann’s last documented report of “naughty language” occurred in April, when she informed cousin Kimmy Robb that she’d overheard Uncle Jim accidentally say “tit” at a family Thanksgiving gathering.

While motivations behind Neumann’s decision to list the young ill-linguists remains unclear, the child’s parents suspect attending Sunday’s church service may have provoked the child’s willingly divulged deposition.

“Pastor McNeil was preaching heavily about the importance of the Ten Commandments,” said Neumann’s father. “I think maybe she felt she needed to confess what she knew, to get it off her chest.”

Neumann’s parents said they at this time have no intentions of forwarding the list of swearers to school officials or the children’s respective parents.