Ultimate fighters' egos too big to fit in octagon

Los Angeles, Calif. – Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) organizers confirmed Tuesday plans to redesign the UFC’s trademark octagon, enlarging the fighting cage to nearly twice its original size in an effort to adequately accommodate the enormously inflated egos sidling a vast majority of the league’s fighters.

“I don’t care if they make the octagon bigger, smaller, wider, upside down or move it to the moon, the fact is that I’m the best fighter alive, and my opponent, I don’t care who it is, whatever poor sucker they put on the canvas with me hasn’t got a prayer in this world [at winning],” said Tito Ortiz, a 33-year-old American light heavyweight fighter who specializes in submission wrestling. Proudly brandishing the “If you fight Tito Ortiz you lose” t-shirt he first wore after defeating Ken Shamrock in 2006, Ortiz continued: “It’s just a plain and simple fact that I’m the most dangerous fighter alive, and I’m going to make sure everybody in the world knows that I am the best.”

The UFC’s decision to increase the size of the octagon follows a recent string of high-profile fights that had to be cancelled or forfeited because of the lack of space in the octagon for both fighters’ massive egos.

“The octagon currently in use for UFC bouts, an eight-sided caged enclosure with walls of chain-link fence, provides only 30 feet of space from point to point – hardly enough room for the ungodly mammoth egos these fighters carry around with them,” said retired UFC referee Big John McCarthy, who officiated over matches from 1994 until his recent retirement. “Add in the room taken up by the huge chip each [fighter] has on his shoulder and suddenly there’s hardly enough room for these guys to throw a punch let alone wage an epic battle.”

UFC officials have admitted that when the octagon was originally conceived and assembled in 1993, designers failed to properly estimate the size of the egos most of their fighters would soon develop.

“We didn’t anticipate how much of an effect the act of beating another human half to death can have on a man’s ego,” said Joe Silva, the UFC’s vice-president of talent. “Just look at footage of some of the more successful UFC fighters, like Ortiz, for example. It’s a wonder that guy alone can even fit in the octagon, because on top of his Zeus-like ego, the guy walks around like he’s got a twelve-foot cock.”

“Although that might just be because he’s dating Jenna Jameson,” added Silva.