Recoil’s Guide to Filmmaking

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Affordable technology and the invention of youtube have brought the art of filmmaking to the commoners. Here are some tips to churning out your very own blockbuster.

- Keep the audience guessing by changing actors, costumes and accents frequently.

- Never use fake alcohol or cocaine as props. It’s insincere and the audience will pick up on that.

- Make sure you have Viking-level sex and violence in your movie. What’s the point of even making a movie if you’re not going to jam it full of nudity and senseless murder.

- Make sure your actors are prepared for the “Magic Hour,” especially if you’re in the pornography business.

- God help you if your sequel’s title does not include the words “Electric Boogaloo.” God help you.

- Make sure to get signed contracts for the film’s merchandise, product placements and high-profile celebrity cameos, as well as cross-promotion tie-ins with a major fast-food chain or retailer. Also, don’t forget to bang out a script over the weekend, if you have time.

- As a rule of thumb, including water, animals, children or Adam Sandler in your movie is just asking for problems.

- Beginner filmmakers should always start by using your friends – preferably your richest friends.

- Avoid beginner lighting problems such as shadows by shooting the entire film in complete darkness.

- Save location budget by shooting the entire film off-planet.

- The most important aspect of making a movie, they say, is having a great story to tell, but owning a camera and microphone seems relatively important also.

- If you are trying to make a documentary film about yourself starting a Spinal Tap tribute band, remember: don’t quit your day job.

 

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