Shallow Thoughts

by Cliff Handey

Instead of telling your child to “sit tight,” try telling them to “sit taut,” because then the child will have been taught to sit tight.

I’ve often attempted to call bullshit on something but, according to my phone book, at least, bullshit’s number is unlisted. It’s very frustrating, because something like that makes you want to call bullshit even more. It’s no wonder I can’t sleep.

The more and more I think about it, I’m starting to feel that I in fact do want to be a burden.

It’s common knowledge that 13 of something is often referred to as a baker’s dozen. But how many are in a baker’s hundred? A baker’s thousand? How many are in a baker’s million, or billion? MIT probably teaches a class on this calculation alone.

I’ve often wondered why cats stretch so much. Are they really that afraid of pulling a muscle during their five-foot mosey to the food bowl?

Unless the word “crow” is slang for “wife” and “bar” is slang for “educator,” I can’t find a single practical use for that so-called tool.

Sorry to say, but that often misheard age-old adage is true: In this world, there’s no faxed lunch.

Rabbits live an entirely vegetarian existence. This might not come as a complete surprise to you. What may surprise you, however, is that relaying this fact to a girl hardly at all increases your odds of getting at least a handjob. So much for knowledge being power.

June 2011