Elevator Etiquette

Setting foot on an elevator can be the most socially awkward aspect of a person's day. Here are a few tips for avoiding being labeled as "that weirdo on the elevator this morning.":

1. If you feel compelled to converse with other passengers, pick a subject with which everyone can relate: the weather, the teachings of Jesus Christ or how almost every Mexican chick you meet is named Maria.
2. Contrary to what most civilians think, performing a field tracheotomy in an elevator is very different from performing one on the battlefield, especially if the subject is conscious, unwilling and not currently experiencing breathing problems.
3. Remember, if you're aboard a fully occupied elevator that breaks down, the individual who remains calm throughout the group's degeneration into a lawless class of immoral peasants will eventually be named leader of your brave new boxlike world.
4. If you get trapped alone on an elevator, think back to that episode when MacGyver was caught in a similiar situation. Then remember what show you changed channels to a replay that show in your mind to pass the time until help arrives.
5. After hitting the elevator emergency brake and having wild sex with a stranger for two hours, bear in mind that smoking is not permitted on the elevator.
6. Officials will generally forgive the use of deadly force so long as the passenger blaring Nickelback out of his boom box was intending to travel more than two floors.
7. Never face the back of an elevator – it will throw off the entire global karma.
8. If you get struck between floors, you can help relieve the tension by entertaining passengers with an impression of a famous movie character like that guy from Alien who keeps saying, "It's game over, man. It's game over!"
9. When stuck in an elevator, cover the smoke detector with your jacket before smoking that fatty you always carry for god-forsaken time like these.