U.S. Officials Begin Signaling Air Quotes When Saying “Citizens,” “Rights”

US offical using air quotesWashington, D.C. – After a spate of recent scandals involving significant invasions of privacy by the U.S. government, the White House announced Tuesday that Administration officials are now mandated to hand-gesture air quotes whenever voicing the words “rights” and “citizens” during public speeches. The move appeared to align government policy with terminology, reflecting the federal government’s newfound disregard for the privacy rights of reporters, internet users, and just about everyone else. “We don’t want to ‘scare’ anyone, so to speak,” announced National Intelligence Director James Clapper, emphatically incorporating the new air quote policy to include other words when implying vagueness of interpretation. “But American ‘citizens’ need to know that their ‘rights’ are often abstract, undefined ideas for which government hasn’t the slightest concern. Besides, the intelligence gathered is only used for those who are ‘enemies’ of the state. No one really needs to ‘worry.’” Further parts of this article were redacted under Section IV of the U.S. PATRIOT Act.Drew Miller

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